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Funny family phrases
September 09, 2019 Wedding Anniversary Wishes 2 comments

Show your family just how important they are to you with these short and RELATED: Funny Parenting Quotes That Will Have You Saying "So.

Have a Break, Have Some Funny Quotes

Here's a collection of funny quotes and funny thoughts to tickle your funny bone.

As you try your best to juggle with work, kids, family, housework, friends, hobbies and a zillion of other stuff, let some of these funny quotations and sometimes silly quotes relax you and bring some lightheartedness into your day.

Share these quotes with your friends and let them have a good, hearty laugh too.

Funny Quotes and Funny Thoughts

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-- Robert Frost

A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
-- Gandhi

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-- Winston Churchill

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
-- Oscar Wilde

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
-- Margaret Mead

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.
-- Garrison Keillor

Buy land. They've stopped making it.
-- Mark Twain

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
-- George Burns

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
-- Robert Frost

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain

Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
-- Josh Billings

Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie.
-- Sandra Bullock

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
-- Oscar Wilde

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
-- Roseanne Barr

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
-- Matthew Broderick

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
-- Author Unknown

He who laughs, lasts.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
-- Author Unknown

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
-- Author Unknown

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Noel Coward

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-- David Bissonnett

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
-- Gilda Radner

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-- Author Unknown

If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
-- Author Unknown

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
-- George Bernard Shaw

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher

If you rest, you rust.
-- Helen Hayes

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep.
-- Benito Mussollini

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.
-- Marilyn Munroe

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.
-- Montaigne

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing.
-- Jessica Alba

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-- Erma Bombeck

Never make the same mistake twice or you'll never get around to all of them.
-- Author Unknown

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Mark Twain

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
-- Author Unknown

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
-- Charles Bukowski

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
-- Somerset Maugham

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.
-- Joe Girard

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.
-- Henry Ward Beecher

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
-- Issac Asimov

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-- Helen Hayes (at 73)

The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.
-- German Proverb

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.
-- Kenneth Williams

The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.
-- Thomas Holcroft

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
-- Helen Rowland

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
-- Janet Coleman

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
-- George Burns

We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.
-- George Bernard Shaw

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.
-- Walter Lippmann

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap!
-- Cynthia Heimel

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-- Elayne Boosler

Whether women are better than men I cannot sayâ€"but I can say they are certainly no worse.
-- Golda Meir

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.
-- Plato

Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
-- Oscar Wilde

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-- Roseanne Barr

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.
-- Elsa Schiaparelli

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
-- Author Unknown

What if you had the same minute-by-minute thoughts as the super successful? Mike Brescia has developed the ultimate mental conditioning programs that can help anyone wipe out intense fears and enjoy huge successes in all areas of life. Find out more here.

Besides these funny quotations, be sure to check out these humorous lists too:

  • Cute Quotes - Funny
  • Short Quotes - Funny
  • Funny Sayings
  • Hilarious Quotes
  • Humor Quotes
  • Erma Bombeck Quotes
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    Here's a collection of funny quotes and funny thoughts to tickle your funny bone. As you try your best to juggle with work, kids, family, housework, friends.

    Funny Quotes About Family

    funny family phrases

    Funny Family Sayings and Quotes

    Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny family quotes, funny family sayings, and funny family proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

    Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

    Les Dawson

    Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.

    Earl Wilson

    One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.

    Jonathan Safran Foer

    From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.     

    Jarod Kintz

    Family is just accident…. They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.     

    Marsha Norman

    When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

    Emo Phillips

    I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.     

    Ugo Betti

    A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.     

    Ogden Nash

    If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that members not present and subjects discussed were one and the same.     

    Robert Brault

    The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.     

    Robert Brault

    Family is a blessing. – Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.

    Marcelina Hardy

    Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.

    Ralph Bus

    All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

    W.C. Fields

    In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.

    Anna Quidlen

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    Family is everything, but sometimes it can be difficult to put into words just how much your loved ones mean to you. That's exactly where these family quotes come in. Every single one of these inspirational quotes encompasses the love you have for your family—even if they're not blood related. After you've read through this roundup, make sure to save these heartfelt sayings so you can share them with your family. There are also quotes for mothers and quotes for fathers on this list, so you can show your appreciation for your parents who shower you with unconditional love. Although we adore all the words on this list, one of our favorite family quotes is: "The memories we make with our family is everything," which was said by actress Candace Cameron Bure. We also love these words by philanthropist Peter Buffett: "It didn’t matter how big our house was; it mattered that there was love in it." Both of those quotes would be great to read to anyone in your family. Those are just a couple of the wise words featured in this list. To read more thoughtful family quotes, just scroll through this list.

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    funny family phrases

    So let's face it: Family is funny. Your relatives have their quirks, and it's nice to know you're not alone in this. Enjoy a laugh with these funny quotes about family-they're funny because they're true!

    Quotes About the Family Unit

    It's good to be able to laugh at ourselves and our family! Here are some funny quotes about family guaranteed to make you laugh, maybe out loud:

    • Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts. - Unknown
    • My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film. - Penelope Lombard
    • If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. - Ashleigh Brilliant
    • Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. - Evan Esar
    • In some families, "please" is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was "sorry." - Margaret Laurence
    • Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts. - Wayne Huizenga
    • Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. - Michael Levine
    • A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash
    • In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat. - Anna Quindlen
    • Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns
    • When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. - George Bernard Shaw
    • The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin
    • Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. - Chelsea Handler

    Quotes About Those Crazy Kids

    Little kids tend to do and say silly things while they're still learning what it takes to being a normal human - or at least working their way to adulthood. Sometimes they're cute, sometimes they're naughty, and sometimes they drive their parents crazy. These funny quotes make light of the all-important parent-child relationship:

    • Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
    • Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. - Ralph Bus
    • In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. - Erma Bombeck
    • Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children. - Sam Levinson
    • Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. - Jerry Seinfeld
    • Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble. - Martin Mull
    • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Jean Kerr
    • Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop
    • All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them. - Erma Bombeck
    • Children are a great comfort in your old age-and they help you reach it faster, too. - Lionel Kauffman
    • Having children is like living in a frat house-nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up. - Ray Romano
    • There are only two things a child will share willingly-communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
    • There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - Chinese proverb
    • Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers. - Eugene Bertin

    Great Quotes About Other Family Members

    You don't have to be a parent to realize that your family is wacky. There's humor to be found in your relationship with your own parents, siblings and even your extended family. Take a look at how some very funny people view their family members:

    • A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning. - Unknown
    • No one likes change but babies in diapers. - Barbara Johnson
    • The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose. - Garrison Keillor
    • I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance-waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
    • Never let an angry sister comb your hair. - Patricia McCann
    • Posterity is the patriotic name for grandchildren. - Art Linkletter
    • Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills-while you still know everything. - John Hinde
    • Siblings: Children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together. - Sam Levenson
    • Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. - John Stewart
    • You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. - Jerry Seinfeld
    • No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. - Florida Scott-Maxwell
    • The advantages of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions. - Robert Brault
    • The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. - Sam Levenson
    • Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or -wife, your ex's new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate's ex and any new mate that your new mate's ex has acquired. - Delia Ephron

    Family can often be a source of tension, but it always helps to laugh about it. Knowing that other people feel the same mixture of exasperation and love for their relatives should make you feel better. Be sure to share these funny quotes with your own family - after all, laughter is the best medicine!

    Looking for more funny quotes, or some that are more loving? YourDictionary has many more family quotes to choose from.

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    Here's a collection of funny quotes and funny thoughts to tickle your funny bone. As you try your best to juggle with work, kids, family, housework, friends.

    funny family phrases
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