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Wise and funny quotes

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Wise and funny quotes
December 11, 2018 Anniversary Wishes No comments

Add flair to your everyday correspondence or make someone smile by adding some of these 48 inspiring, wise, and witty quotes to your email.

76 Funny Quotes about Life

Life has its funny moments. Let these funny quotes about life remind you of such times but also you can read between the lines and find the wisdom that they offer.

If you laugh every day it helps to take the stress of life away. Reading funny quotes or stories is a great way to do that.

The serious moments of life come every day, so make sure you find amusing and even silly things to laugh at each day!




  1. "I've met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're 20 minutes." Jan Sterling
    Tolerance



  2. Life must bring ups and downs.
    In life's ring let's be clowns!
    Learn their way to make folk smile;
    Dullest day, hardest mile.
    Wilhelmina Stitch
    Funny Poems



  3. Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get. Ray Kroc
    Motivational Quotes



  4. "Watching a person who successfully loses fifty pounds and changes her life is more inspirational than listening to a fitness coach with a perfect body." Martin Meadows, How to Think Bigger
    Inspirational Quotes



  5. There are two sources of unhappiness in life. One is not getting what you want and the other is getting it. Cassey Stolrich, How to be Happy In Life
    Happiness



  6. You are upgrading your technology, and you've not upgraded yourself! Eric Thomas
    Personal Development Quotes





  7. I guess we do all become our Mothers eventually and we have daughters like ourselves. Helen C. Escott, I Am Funny Like That
    Mother Daughter Quotes



  8. A cousin is a person who knows all of your warts and faults yet has a heart filled with love for all those like me that stumble upon the way. Happy birthday! Byron Pulsifer
    Happy Birthday Cuz



  9. If the grass is greener on the other side it's probably getting better care. Earl Nightingale
    Short Quotes



  10. "When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it." Bernard Bailey
    Funny Quotes




  11. "The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." Madeleine L'Engle
    Inspirational Sayings



  12. "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Mark Twain
    21st Birthday Quotes plus 30th, 40th, 50th
    Every parent can relate to this saying. While it appears funny, it has a lot of wisdom in it.



  13. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.
    Martin Luther King Jr.
    Pain



  14. Without Sunday, I wouldn't know when to put on the brakes of a hurtling life. Byron Pulsifer
    Sunday Quotes




  15. Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. Carl Sandburg
    Inspirational Quotes about Life and Struggles
    A good analogy. Living life has its ups and downs, sad times and happy times, challenging times and easy times!



  16. "Running a multimillion dollar business can feel like a piece of cake when facing a defiant and dramatic teenage daughter." Colleen O'Grady, Dial Down the Drama
    Daughter



  17. There is more to life than increasing its speed. Mahatma Gandhi
    Cute Life Quotes



  18. "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." Maya Angelou
    Character



  19. "Want is a growing giant whom the coat of Have was never large enough to cover...." Ralph Waldo Emerson
    Motivational Quotes about Life




  20. "I have never developed indigestion from eating my words." Winston Churchill
    Words of Encouragement



  21. Pursue, keep up with, circle round and round your life, as a dog does his master's chaise. Do what you love. Know your own bone, gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still. Henry David Thoreau
    Encouraging



  22. When fate hands us a lemon, let's try to make lemonade."
    Dale Carnegie
    Funny Graduation Quotes
    How many times have we heard this saying. The first time it may have made you smile, but when you think about life there are many times that our attitude will determine whether we see a lemon or we see lemonade.



  23. "A lot of people think the whole purpose of life is just to collect stuff. You've seen the bumper sticker: 'He who dies with the most toys, wins.' The truth is, 'He who dies with the most toys ... still dies!' Rick Warren
    Purpose




  24. Life's a tough proposition but the first hundred years are the hardest. Wilson Mizner
    Funny Birthday Quotes



  25. "On his seventy-fifth birthday a photographer said: 'I hope, sir, that I will shoot your picture on your hundredth birthday.' Churchill answered: 'I don't see why not, young man. You look reasonably fit and healthy.'" William Manchester, The Last Lion
    Birthday



  26. "Lucille Ball taught me that the best comedy need never be cruel to be funny." Marie Osmond, The Key Is Love
    Lucille Ball Quotes



  27. "Try walking forward while looking over your shoulder and see how far you get. The same goes for life. Look forward!" Martin Henderson, Fatherhood
    Future
    Great life advice! Like the saying goes, "you can't change the past but you can change the future."



  28. "It's funny, I spent the first half of my life desperately trying not to become my mother, and now I am spending the second half of my life desperately hoping to become half the woman that she is." Helen C. Escott, I Am Funny Like That
    Mother




  29. "Life only delivers to people that create their own postal code." Jelani Daniel, King of Quotes
    Quotes about Taking Risks



  30. Every one desires to live long, but no one would be old.
    Abraham Lincoln
    Famous Quotes about Life



  31. If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
    Albert Einstein Quotes



  32. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. Mother Teresa
    Trust




Hilarious, Wise And Totally Random Quotes From Kids This Week. ByCaroline Ellis shared some recent highlights from the app's stockpile of spot-on kid quotes. Here are The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week.

Hilarious, Wise And Totally Random Quotes From Kids This Week

wise and funny quotes

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    14 months agofrom Essex, UK

    Thank you Tim for your nice comment, and sorry for not replying sooner.

    A funny quote is always good, but a funny quote without wisdom is just a joke. Great and perceptive writers including Woody Allen manage to make people think at the same time as they are laughing :)

  • Tim Truzy 

    17 months agofrom U.S.A.

    This is a funny article which kept me laughing all the way through. I love the Woody Allen quotes. All of them have a bit of wisdom within, especially the ones regarding aging and middle age.

    I will share these with my friends and I look forward to reading more of your articles.

    Sincerely,

    Tim

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    17 months agofrom Essex, UK

    Kathy; Thanks Kathy! Glad this collection of quotes has served a useful purpose for you, and I hope that the 40th birthday celebrations went well :) Alun

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    17 months agofrom Essex, UK

    Anusha Jain; So sorry for not responding earlier than this to your comment Anusha. Thanks very much for your good thoughts and kind words. Alun

  • Kathy 

    19 months ago

    I was looking for a quote for a friend's birthday manual his wife is producing for his 40th. You site came up and I am spoilt for choice. Thank you Alun for putting it together.

  • Anusha Jain 

    23 months agofrom Delhi, India

    You have got an impressively huge collection here. Although they say that age is just a number, we all care about this number. Not just a person faces psychological and biological changes growing old, but the peer expectations also develop an unwanted pressure. I hope this collection which has enough sarcasm and fun will help deal with the negative aspects of growing old so that we are able to fully enjoy this wonder called life.

    Great post.

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    2 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Paula; Thanks for that Paula. Glad you enjoyed it! You're right - we can't alter the process of getting older, so we may as well take it philosophically and laugh! Alun

  • Paula 

    2 years agofrom Beautiful Upstate New York

    Greensleeves....So glad I came across this fabulous compilation of funny/witty quotes! I love this sort of reading! These are all so ingenious and clever~~like the stuff we wish we'd have thought of!

    It's a good feeling at my age to be able to still laugh (sincerely) over jabs at getting "older." What the heck, might as well laugh because there really isn't anything else we can do to change the calendar! We must maintain a sense of humor.

    I would love to file each of these to memory but why strain my brain when I can carry notes in my purse??

    Thanks for the bright spot in my Tuesday evening! Peace, Paula

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    2 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Ivan Bilash; Thank you Ivan, and apologies for not replying to you sooner. I've checked it out and a lot of sources seem to suggest that particular quote was indeed by Mickey Mantle, but others have suggested it comes from Eubie Blake or even Mae West. As you indicate, this is one of the problems with quotes - they do tend to get repeated and reshaped, and sometimes the originator gets forgotten! Thanks a lot. Appreciated. Alun

  • Ivan Bilash 

    2 years ago

    The quote "If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself" was expressed by Mickey Mantle. Don't know if it was original or if someone else had previously said this.

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    3 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Say Yes To Life; Thank you Yoleen, for those suggestions. Appreciated :)

  • Yoleen Lucas 

    3 years agofrom Big Island of Hawaii

    I love this!

    Here are some young adult quotes:

    “I guess that's what saying good-bye is always like--like jumping off an edge. The worst part is making the choice to do it. Once you're in the air, there's nothing you can do but let go.”

    ― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

    “Girl scouts didn't teach me what to do with emotionally unstable drunk boys.”

    ― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

    “Friends are the family you choose (~ Nin/Ithilnin, Elven rogue).”

    ― Jess C. Scott, The Other Side of Life

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    3 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Yanglish; Thanks Yanglish very much. Alun

    swalia; Thanks Shaloo. Appreciate your visit! Alun

  • Yanglish 

    3 years ago

    Marvelous Quotes. Thank you.

  • Shaloo Walia 

    3 years agofrom India

    I love reading and sharing quotes. This hub is of particular interest to me. Thanks for sharing!

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    3 years agofrom Essex, UK

    peachpurple; Thanks peachy! That is a good one, primarily because we all know how true it is! Cheers, Alun

  • peachy 

    3 years agofrom Home Sweet Home

    I love this quote the most" You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up - Anonymous"

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    4 years agofrom Essex, UK

    pramalkumarsamant; Thank you for your comment and thoughts. Alun

  • pramalkumarsamanta 

    4 years ago

    Thanks for nice collection of quotes. Age is nothing but different shades of life.

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    4 years agofrom Essex, UK

    aesta1; Thanks Mary! There do seem to be more 'old' quotes. Perhaps it's because long life allows a slightly jaundiced yet witty, philosophical viewpoint on the lives of those who experience it? The young don't necessarily appreciate the absurdities of some of their behaviour. :)

  • Mary Norton 

    4 years agofrom Ontario, Canada

    I had fun reading these quotes. I wonder why there are more for the older folks. Well done.

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    5 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Engelta; Thank you Engie! I'll certainly bookmark and check out your hub shortly. Cheers for reading and commenting on these quotes :-) Alun

    Thanks also to Frederick for your additional quote. Cheers.

  • HighPriestess 

    5 years agofrom Albania

    hahahaha funny ones!! and so damn true! I, on the other hand, managed to create a collection of 100 inspiring quotes in one of my hubs. I'd love it if you would take a look, as we wrote for the same subject. :)

    Thank you for your collection. It was a good one.

  • Frederick Hansen 

    5 years ago

    " Aging is just a number unless it's eighty six." Frederick Hansen

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    5 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Kathryn10000; A belated thank you very much for your comment! Alun

  • Kathryn10000 

    5 years ago

    I thought you chose well..very good

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    5 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Thanks iguidenetwork; the ring of truth in quotes like these does make the difference perhaps between a good joke and a great - albeit funny - observation on human life. Cheers for sharing. Appreciated. Alun.

  • iguidenetwork 

    5 years agofrom Austin, TX

    Very nice hub, a great collection of sayings about the cycle of life... funny, witty but all are really true. Up and sharing.

  • bvhpro 

    6 years ago

    What a wonderful collection - I'll be bookmarking this one! thanks you! :)

    ---

    http://8bua.com

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    7 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Billie Pagliolo;

    Many thanks Billie. And thanks for your story. I'm sure one of the very best ways for people to stay young in mind and happy in life is to be able to laugh at their own personal circumstances, including the drawbacks of advancing age! And thanks also for backing up Katy's comment - I think I will have to investigate the world of apps a little further! Alun.

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    7 years agofrom Essex, UK

    KatyWhoWaited;

    Many thanks for your visit and comment. And for the suggestion! Unfortunately what I know about apps could be written on the back of a very small iphone. But it sounds like a really nice idea. I'll give it a try to see if I prove competent to handle the technology!!

    By the way - love your username. Alun.

  • Billie Pagliolo 

    7 years agofrom Laguna Hills, California

    Love it! My 94 year old Aunt Marion was telling me she read a story of a woman in the newspaper who celebrated her 100th birthday. The reporter asked her what she thought about turning 100. "I wouldn't recommend it," was the woman's response. I found it adorable that my Aunt found this funny! BTW...I agree with katywhowaited. This would be a great app- Made one with ibuildapp also called "The Perfect Husband App" - a "cheat sheet" for husbands with words their wives would love to hear. Your quotes would make a great app!

  • Kate MacAlpine 

    7 years agofrom Anywhere, USA

    Greensleeves, excellent collection. Have you thought of making this an app? I just make an app for Android and will soon upload it for the iphone with ibuildapp.com. The software is a bit restricting, but it's fun to try.

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    7 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Thank you Starmom! It was fun researching these quotes, some of which are remarkably perceptive as well as funny. Cheers. Alun.

  • Starmom41 

    7 years ago

    this is some really great stuff!!!

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    7 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Thank you ahorseback for your visit! I appreciate your words (and the buttons). I really enjoyed finding the quotes, some of which are so true, but in a very humerous kind of way.

  • ahorseback 

    7 years ago

    Excellent job Here ! My friend , you did your homework ..........:-} all the buttons for this one

  • ahorseback 

    7 years ago

    My friend you really did your homework here so I'm Giving you all the buttons!....:- }

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    7 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Thank you Kris for visiting and commenting. Appreciated. Most of my pages are (moderately) serious, so it was good fun finding the quotes for this one!

  • Kris Heeter 

    7 years agofrom Indiana

    What a wonderful collection - I'll be bookmarking this one! And I agree with @stickydating, I love that they are broken down by category!

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    7 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Thanks Derdriu for your nice comments. And particularly for listing my own contribution!! I don't think it matches up to some of the 'greats', but without mentioning any names I have noticed how a few of the attractive film and TV stars I once fancied when I was a teenager are now succumbing to age-related illnesses! I guess they would have been in their 20s or their early 30s, at the time. Sadly age happens to us all. Even celebrities.

  • Derdriu 

    7 years ago

    Greensleeves Hubs: Your hub is such a riotous pleasure to read because it is so attractively organized and because the quotations are hilarious. My favorites are your own original contribution as well as those by Woody Allen, Bob Hope and Jerry Seinfeld.

    Thank you for the fun, voted up, and all else too,

    Derdriu

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    8 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Thanks Cogerson! I think I'd definitely agree about Seinfeld's quote, and probably Oscar Wilde's. I really like both the Woody Allen death quotes though I must admit I left the grandfather bus driver quote till last because I thought it was the funniest (though whether it constitutes a genuine quote or just a joke is debateable). Glad you enjoyed the list, and thanks for commenting.

  • UltimateMovieRankings 

    8 years agofrom Virginia

    Nice hub...listed my favorites of each bunch....#8 Seinfeld on babies.....#18 Phyllis Diller on childhood....#4 Oscar Wilde on teenagers.....#2 Anonymous on Middle Age......#22 Robert Brault on old age and #7 Woody Allen on death...I love that quote ...I agree with it 100%. Great collection of quotations...very well done...I had fun going through the 100 quotes.

  • AUTHOR

    Greensleeves Hubs 

    8 years agofrom Essex, UK

    Thanks stricktlydating for visiting and for commenting. Appreciated!

  • StricktlyDating 

    8 years agofrom Australia

    Great collection of quotes, I love how you've broken them into age groups too.

  • WATCH THE VIDEO ON THEME: Insults, Comebacks, Sarcastic, Funny and Witty Quotes
    lesson in life a wise man
    Wishing happy new year 2019
    congratulations bride and groom best wishes
    Birthday wishes to my mother in heaven
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    Best wishes for newborn
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    Get well wishes from surgery

    Coburg Banks

    wise and funny quotes

    I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright Click to tweet

    Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb Click to tweet

    When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet

    Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet

    Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Click to tweet


    I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet

    The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray Click to tweet

    I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

    A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright Click to tweet

    I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin Click to tweet

    See also: creativity quotes, famous quotes, attitude quotes

    The Best And Funniest Quotes

    Go to table of contents

    This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

    Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

    If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

    Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

    Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

    Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

    I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

    A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

    When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

    Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres Click to tweet

    It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. Click to tweet

    Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

    I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

    That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

    If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

    A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw

    I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright Click to tweet

    The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

    My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)

    The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein

    The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain

    Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir (This is one of my favorite funny quote. Leave a reply here and let me know what’s yours!)

    Part 2. Funny Quotes That ARE…

    Short Funny Quotes And Humorous Lines

    Go to table of contents

    One liners, short funny quotes, sayings, thoughts and captions for your bio, social status, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds, tattoos, SMS, Facebook, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Tumblr, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, etc.

    The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. Joan Rivers Click to tweet

    When nothing is going right, go left.

    Reality continues to ruin my life. Bill Watterson

    Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

    Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers

    Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore

    I’m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright Click to tweet

    I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso

    Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock

    Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

    All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain

    What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

    If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

    Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

    What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

    More short quotes

    Funny Quotes That Are Self-Deprecating

    Go to table of contents

    My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. Click to tweet

    I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

    My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Unknown

    I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking. Click to tweet

    Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.

    I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. Steven Wright

    I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

    I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright

    I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny

    I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker

    Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.

    Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.

    My brain has too many tabs open.

    I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.

    My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

    You may also like: inspirational quotesmotivational quoteshappiness quoteslove quoteslife quotes

    Funny Lines From Pinterest, Reddit, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter

    Go to table of contents

    I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. Click to tweet

    Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.

    If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

    I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are. https://twitter.com/MattBellassai

    “Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make. Aparna Nancherla (Twitter)

    In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. Aparna Nancherla

    You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than i am. https://twitter.com/TFLN

    If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.

    You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

    I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.

    I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass. #FitnessGoals https://twitter.com/billburr

    What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.

    Twisted Humor, Quirky Lines And Sarcastic Sayings

    Go to table of contents

    Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield Click to tweet

    Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. Beth McCollister

    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

    I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

    My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet

    I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

    If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln

    You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

    My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

    I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

    I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg

    What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright

    I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Steven Wright

    I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright

    Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.

    Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

    Part 3. Funny Quotes ABOUT…

    Funny Quotes About Friends

    Go to table of contents

    Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. Otto von Bismarck Click to tweet

    It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves. Franz Kafka

    Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time. Wendy Mass

    A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

    As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

    Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

    Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.

    If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.

    I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

    Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn Click to tweet

    If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

    There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. Linda Grayson

    Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. Sicilian Proverb

    It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Ralph Waldo Emerson

    If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

    Funny Quotes About School, Education (Or In A Yearbook)

    Go to table of contents

    I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake. Click to tweet

    All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

    A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. George Santayana

    The happier we get, the less we see. Asian Kid

    You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. Bill Watterson

    Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein

    In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. Tom Bodett

    Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. Abe Lemons

    Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space. Gene Perret

    It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. Epictetus

    No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book. Edgar Watson Howe Click to tweet

    Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. Will Durant

    People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong. Bill Vaughan

    Work hard, nap hard. Demi Lovato

    The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school. Milton Berle

    When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble. Mark Twain

    School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come. Dave Kellett

    The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school. Haruki Murakami

    I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. Bill Watterson

    Funny Quotes About Work And Coworkers

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    My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5. Click to tweet

    Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

    A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one. Thibaut

    There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry Kissinger

    Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin Click to tweet

    Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain

    Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard

    The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. Scott Adams (Dilbert)

    The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

    Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys. Polish Proverb

    If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. Henry Ford

    The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Stanley Randall

    Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

    I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

    I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

    Funny Quotes About Family And Parenting

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    Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns Click to tweet

    If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw

    Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier. Click to tweet

    Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night. Rebecca Romijn

    The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. Lane Olinghouse

    Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. Ray Romano

    I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing. Jim Gaffigan

    It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish. Carrie Underwood

    When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Nora Ephron

    Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler

    My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.

    Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.

    I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.

    More family quotes

    Funny Quotes About Love And Marriage

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    A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor Click to tweet

    If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran Lebowitz

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet

    What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield

    I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

    Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. Rodney Dangerfield

    Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. Albert Einstein

    I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

    My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. Elayne Boosler

    My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. Ray Romano

    Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason

    Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde

    Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed. Oscar Wilde

    A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. Woodrow Wyatt

    Funny Quotes About Women

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    The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different? Mike Vanatta

    Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. Oscar Wilde

    A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often. Oliver Herford

    I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg

    Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. Dave Barry

    Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof. Harry Haenigsen

    The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle Click to tweet

    When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. Mike Vanatta

    God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.

    There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P. J. O’Rourke

    Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace. Don Herold

    America is a land where men govern, but women rule. John Mason Brown

    Funny Quotes About Men

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    Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. Kathy Lette

    When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. Molly McGee

    Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks. Laura Swenson Click to tweet

    Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!

    A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. Mae West

    A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. Brendan Francis

    The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. Friedrich Nietzsche

    Quotes About Having Fun And Humor

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    You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. Ethel Barrymore

    If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done. Ludwig Wittgenstein

    Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. Edward de Bono

    The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven. Mark Twain

    I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells. Dr. Seuss

    When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other. Alan Alda

    Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. Erma Bombeck

    And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. Friedrich Nietzsche

    Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity. G.K. Chesterton

    My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. George Bernard Shaw

    Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. Greenville Kleisser

    Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments. Isaac Asimov

    Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. James Thurber

    Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. James Thurber

    Humor is a universal language. Joel Goodman

    I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

    I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright

    Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Steven Wright

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright Click to tweet

    Part 4. Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever

    Bill Murray

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    Funny

    Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light. Bill Murray

    People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray

    Wise

    Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing. Bill Murray

    There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate… up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is. Bill Murray

    I live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me. We’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it. But if you’re available, life gets huge. You’re really living it. Bill Murray

    The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything Click to tweet: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself. Bill Murray

    I don’t believe that you can give the same performance every take. It’s physically impossible, so why bother? If you don’t do what is happening at that moment, then it’s not real. Then you’re holding something back. Bill Murray

    A moat can be a pretty good thing. It can be lovely. It keeps rodents away from the castle. It can have fish in it. Even fish that talk. … If you give people access, they take advantage. My phone would ring 75 times in a row. Finally, I would pick it up and say, ‘Who the hell is this?’ ‘Oh, hi! I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring 75 times? And I guess that’s when I started thinking: I can do without these people. Bill Murray

    It’s hard to be an artist. It’s hard to be anything. It’s hard to be. Bill Murray

    Life is so damn short. For f*ck’s sake, just do what makes you happy. Bill Murray

    It’s extremely powerful to say no; it’s really the most powerful thing to say. Bill Murray

    Chris Rock

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    Funny

    There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments. Chris Rock

    I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Chris Rock

    If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. Chris Rock

    You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years. Chris Rock

    If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. Chris Rock

    Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. Chris Rock Click to tweet

    What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything. Chris Rock

    Wise

    Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options. Chris Rock

    You can only offend me if you mean something to me. Chris Rock

    Dave Chappelle

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    They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? Dave Chappelle

    You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. Dave Chappelle

    Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through. Dave Chappelle

    Eddie Murphy

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    The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. Eddie Murphy

    I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids. Eddie Murphy

    If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie. Eddie Murphy

    White people can’t dance. I’m not being racist; it’s true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it’s not racist; it’s true. Black people have big lips, white people can’t dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, “What are those niggers doing in here?” They watchin’ y’all dance. And they’re like, “Look at these crazy muthaf***as.” Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another. Eddie Murphy

    Mick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”. Eddie Murphy

    Ellen DeGeneres

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    Funny

    Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. Ellen DeGeneres

    Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

    People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres

    Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that. Ellen DeGeneres

    Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. Ellen DeGeneres

    Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole. Ellen DeGeneres

    My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. Ellen DeGeneres

    Wise

    The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Ellen DeGeneres

    Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday. Ellen DeGeneres

    Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come. Ellen DeGeneres

    I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. Ellen DeGeneres

    I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that. Ellen DeGeneres

    Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Ellen DeGeneres

    Do we have to worry about who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive? Ellen DeGeneres

    It’s funny how the universe guides you to where you’re meant to be. I wanted to make people happy. Ellen DeGeneres

    I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That’s real beauty to me. Ellen DeGeneres

    It is failure that gives you the proper perspective on success. Ellen DeGeneres Click to tweet

    George Carlin

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    Funny

    Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

    Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin

    Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

    When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin

    Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin

    Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

    Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin

    Try explaining Hitler to a kid. George Carlin Click to tweet

    Wise

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin

    We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that. George Carlin

    Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read, teach them to question everything. George Carlin

    Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin

    Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin

    Groucho Marx

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    Funny

    I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

    Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. Groucho Marx

    Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx

    I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx

    When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. Groucho Marx

    From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Groucho Marx

    The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. Groucho Marx

    Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others. Groucho Marx Click to tweet

    I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. Groucho Marx

    Wise

    If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong. Groucho Marx

    Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. Groucho Marx

    Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. Groucho Marx

    Jerry Seinfeld

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    A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it. Jerry Seinfeld

    It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld

    What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. Jerry Seinfeld

    You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. Jerry Seinfeld

    Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Jerry Seinfeld

    Jim Carrey

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    Funny

    Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

    You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music. Jim Carrey

    I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person. Jim Carrey

    Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey

    Wise

    My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh. Jim Carrey

    I can tell you that the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is. Jim Carrey

    I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer. Jim Carrey

    It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left? Jim Carrey

    My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul. Jim Carrey

    Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them. Jim Carrey Click to tweet

    Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. Jim Carrey

    Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Jim Carrey

    Jimmy Fallon

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    Funny

    The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon

    Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. Jimmy Fallon

    If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice. Jimmy Fallon

    New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs. Jimmy Fallon

    I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’ Jimmy Fallon

    I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. Jimmy Fallon

    I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. Jimmy Fallon

    I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ Jimmy Fallon

    Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Jimmy Fallon

    Thank you, Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it’s just like the iPhone except it can’t make calls. So basically, it’s just like the iPhone. Jimmy Fallon

    Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. Jimmy Fallon

    Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. Jimmy Fallon Click to tweet

    Wise

    I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up. Jimmy Fallon

    I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic. Jimmy Fallon

    ‘Have fun’ is my message. Be silly. You’re allowed to be silly. There’s nothing wrong with it. Jimmy Fallon

    Jon Stewart

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    Funny

    I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on. Jon Stewart

    I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart

    If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? Jon Stewart

    I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance. Jon Stewart

    If ‘con’ is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just f*cking blow your mind!? Jon Stewart

    It doesn’t make it a gotcha question just because it got ya. Jon Stewart

    Wise

    Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. Jon Stewart

    Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. Jon Stewart

    If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values” they’re hobbies. Jon Stewart

    Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. Jon Stewart

    Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. Jon Stewart

    If we amplify everything we hear nothing. Jon Stewart Click to tweet

    Kevin Hart

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    Funny

    I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. Kevin Hart

    These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask. Kevin Hart

    I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart

    Marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Everything is a team effort. ‘Us’, ‘we’, ‘let’s’, honey, come on partner. You can’t do nothing by yourself. Kevin: Baby I’m gonna be right back I’m going to the store. Wife: Well, wait, let me get my coat. Kevin: Bit__, it’s right there on the corner. I just wanna get some chips. I ain’t going to sleep with nobody. Kevin Hart (Video)

    First off, my kids know I’m a big deal. Kevin Hart (Video)

    If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question. Kevin Hart

    Wise

    Some sarcasm is best told simply. Kevin Hart

    But at times, life is random if not downright stupid. Kevin Hart

    Laughter heals all wounds, and that’s one thing that everybody shares. No matter what you’re going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing. Kevin Hart

    All I can do is try to create my own brand and have people appreciate me for that. Kevin Hart Click to tweet

    Louis C.K.

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    Funny

    Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone. Louis C.K.

    Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up. Louis C.K.

    There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars. Louis C.K.

    “Fuck it.” That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K.

    Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face. Louis C.K.

    I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’. Louis C.K.

    Of course, if you are fighting for your country and get shot or hurt, it is a terrible tragedy. But maybe, if you get shot by the dude you were shooting at, it’s a tiny bit your fault. Louis C.K.

    Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C.K.

    Wise

    ‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Louis C.K.

    It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them. Louis C.K.

    Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Louis C.K. Click to tweet

    Ricky Gervais

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    Funny

    Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right. Ricky Gervais

    You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway. Ricky Gervais

    I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Ricky Gervais

    The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either’. Ricky Gervais

    My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work. Ricky Gervais

    Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid. Ricky Gervais

    Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. Ricky Gervais

    Wise

    Beliefs do not change facts. Facts, if one is rational, should change beliefs. Ricky Gervais

    If you can’t joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what’s the point of jokes? What’s the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things. Ricky Gervais

    Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It’s all we’ve got. Ricky Gervais

    It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for. Ricky Gervais

    That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity. Ricky Gervais

    You should bring something into the world that wasn’t in the world before. It doesn’t matter what that is. It doesn’t matter if it’s a table or a film or gardening – everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say, “I did that”. Ricky Gervais

    Never confuse your right to say what you believe with a right to never be disagreed with and ridiculed for saying what you believe. Ricky Gervais

    No one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. I want to see the struggle. That’s the fun bit. Ricky Gervais

    People who criticize you have usually never achieved anywhere near what you have. Most of them would be too scared to even try. Keep going.

    You found it offensive? I found it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you. Ricky Gervais

    If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail. Ricky Gervais

    Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better. Ricky Gervais Click to tweet

    Robin Williams

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    Funny

    I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams

    Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

    See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams

    Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Robin Williams

    If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams

    Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams

    Wise

    The only weapon we have is comedy. Robin Williams Click to tweet

    You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. Robin Williams

    I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Robin Williams

    I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself. Robin Williams

    Please, don’t worry so much… Because in the end none of us have very long on this earth. Robin Williams

    For a while you get mad, then you get over it. Robin Williams

    You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to. Robin Williams

    Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death. Robin Williams, Patch Adams

    No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. Robin Williams

    Ryan Reynolds

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    What would you say to your barber? I’m really protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone? Ryan Reynolds

    Anyone know the number to 911? Ryan Reynolds

    Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing. Ryan Reynolds

    Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. Ryan Reynolds

    Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you’ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows. Ryan Reynolds

    People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. Ryan Reynolds

    If you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been. Ryan Reynolds

    We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds Click to tweet

    Stephen Colbert

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    Funny

    Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt. Stephen Colbert

    Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans. Stephen Colbert

    Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity. Stephen Colbert

    The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. Stephen Colbert

    Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. Stephen Colbert

    Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. Stephen Colbert

    There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. Stephen Colbert Click to tweet

    Wise

    The more you know, the sadder you get. Stephen Colbert

    If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke. Stephen Colbert

    In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ’Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’ Stephen Colbert

    When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday – no matter what happened Tuesday. Stephen Colbert

    I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes… Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it. Stephen Colbert

    Happiness can be really facile – To be with my wife and children, would be the deepest joy. Stephen Colbert

    I always recommend people get in trouble. Commit yourself to an open mike night or write something and say you’re going to read it in public, but get in trouble. You’re never going to learn until you fail. … You have to go out there and figure out what you can do and can’t do. Stephen Colbert

    Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Stephen Colbert

    Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Stephen Colbert

    Cynics always say no. But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow. Saying ‘yes’ leads to knowledge. ‘Yes’ is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say ‘yes.’ Stephen Colbert

    Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid. Stephen Colbert Click to tweet

    Steve Martin

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    Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Steve Martin

    I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin

    We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday. Steve Martin

    Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes. Steve Martin

    I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time. Steve Martin

    Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. Steve Martin Click to tweet

    You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. Steve Martin

    First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Steve Martin

    A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

    Be so good they can’t ignore you. Steve Martin

    Tina Fey

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    Funny

    Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. Tina Fey

    I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. Tina Fey

    Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years. Tina Fey

    Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey Click to tweet

    If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. Tina Fey

    A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss. Tina Fey

    What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do. Tina Fey

    Wise

    Say yes. You’ll figure it out afterward. Tina Fey

    It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV. Tina Fey

    Will Ferrell

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    As the wise man once said, ‘So?’. Will Ferrell

    Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell

    Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired. Will Ferrell

    Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know. Will Ferrell

    Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do? Will Ferrell

    Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life. Will Ferrell

    Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died. Will Ferrell

    Facebook: What’s on your mind? Twitter: What’s happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go? Will Ferrell

    Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet. Will Ferrell Click to tweet

    Woody Allen

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    If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Woody Allen

    I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. Woody Allen

    I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

    Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. Woody Allen Click to tweet

    I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen

    Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen

    The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen

    Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen

    Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Woody Allen

    Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Woody Allen

    Zach Galifianakis

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    The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis

    I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean. Zach Galifianakis

    I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name. Zach Galifianakis

    When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there. Zach Galifianakis

    My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing. Zach Galifianakis

    I like to read the Bible in public places so people are watching me read it. I like just to murmur out to myself, ‘Oh bullshit’. Zach Galifianakis

    I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’ Zach Galifianakis

    I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. Zach Galifianakis Click to tweet

    Zach, To Brad Pitt: Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan? Brad: Why? Zack

    Comedian and late-night talk show host David Letterman has been entertaining us for over three decades. Enjoy our list of 20 David Letterman.

    Funny Quotes

    wise and funny quotes

    Ready to exercise that brain of yours?

    Great!

    Because it’s time to fire those neurons and get philosophical with these witty quotes…

    If you like a little humor and a good brain scratcher, then read on.

    We’ve got the world’s best compilation of witty quotes for you now…

    Witty Quotes

    “A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

    “A grieving woman could sit alone on a jetty in the early morning. But not with a book in her hands.” – Pia Juul

    “A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.” – Ljupka Cvetanova

    “A person is wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn’t implement any of it.” – Michael Bassey Johnson

    “A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.” – J. Robson Koenig

    “A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being ‘frank’.” – Robert Heinlein

    “A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.” – Len Wein

    “A true friend overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!” – Doug Larson

    “A witty saying proves nothing.” – Voltaire

    “A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string.” – George Dennison Prentice

    “Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” – William James

    “Action will destroy your procrastination.” – Og Mandino

    “All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions.” – Adlai E. Stevenson

    “An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

    “Arguing with a fool proves there are two.” – Doris M. Smith

    “Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.” – Oliver Goldsmith

    “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.” – William Shakespeare

    “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

    “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” – Confucius

    “Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.” – William Congreve

    “Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.” – Ralph Charell

    “Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    “Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.” – Howard Aiken

    “Dreams don’t work unless you do.” – John C. Maxwell

    “Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.” – Erma Bombeck

    “Every habit makes our hand more witty, and out wit more handy.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

    “Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.” – Criss Jami

    “Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” – John Kenneth Galbraith

    “Fools learn from experience. Wise men learn from the experience of others.” – Otto von Bismarck

    “Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try.” – Claude Mermet

    “Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.” – Thomas Alva Edison

    “He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable.” – Emma Goldrick

    “He who wrestles with us, strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper.” – Edmund Burke

    “How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.” – Gilbert Keith Chesterton

    “I don’t let go of concepts –I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” – Byron Katie

    “I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow.” – Woodrow Wilson

    “I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.” – Abraham Maslow

    “I’m an angel. The horns are only there to hold up the halo.” – Suzanne Wrightt

    “I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward.” – David Livingstone

    “If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.” – Amit Kalantri

    “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain

    “If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” – Woodrow Wilson

    “If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” – Woody Allen

    “Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.” – Amit Kalantri

    “It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” – George Washington

    “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” – Charles Darwin

    “It is not what you gather but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.” – Helen Walton

    “It is surprising what a man can do when he has to, and how little most men will do when they don’t have to.” – Walter Linn

    “It takes a long time to grow an old friend.” – John Leonard

    “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” – Tom Robbins

    “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan

    “Knowledge is proud she knows so much; wisdom is humble that she knows no more.” – William Cowper

    “Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace.” – Robert J. Sawyer

    “Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.” – George Bernard Shaw

    “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.” – Soren Kierkegaard

    “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” – Confucius

    “Maturity involves turning an insult into a feedback.” – Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel

    “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” – Benjamin Disraeli

    “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

    “Never try to have the last word. You might get it.” – Robert Heinlein

    “No-one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

    “Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” – William James

    “Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? Certainly. I’d know me anywhere.” – Terry Pratchett

    “One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh.” – Robert Heinlein

    “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” – Rita Mae Brown

    “Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley’s very funny, very witty guy, very quick.” – Joe Rogan

    “Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach

    “Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert.” – Dennis Sharpe

    “Pride only helps us to be generous; it never makes us so, any more than vanity makes us witty.” – George Eliot

    “Rhetoric abounds in the cemeteries of reason.” – Miguel Queah

    “So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.” – Holly Hood

    “Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.” – Kim Hubbard

    “The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” – Robert Brault

    “The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.” – Wernher von Braun

    “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” – Abraham Lincoln

    “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” – Richard P. Feynman

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make a mistake.” – Elbert Hubbard

    “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” – Wayne Dyer

    “The important thing to remember is not to forget.” – Benny Bellamacina

    “The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.” – George Bernard Shaw

    “The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them.” – Mark Twain

    “The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it’s the same problem you had last year.” – John Foster Dulles

    “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    “The problem human beings face is not that we aim too high and fail, but that we aim too low and succeed.” – Michelangelo

    “The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.” – Josh Lanyon

    “The reward of a thing done well is to have done it.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” – Bertrand Russell

    “There is an element of seduction in shoes that doesn’t exist for men. A woman can be sexy, charming, witty or shy with her shoes.” – Christian Louboutin

    “There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he’s absolutely free to choose.” – William M. Bulger

    “There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done.” – Peter Drucker

    “They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty, That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee.” – Allan Sherman

    “To be able to ask a question clearly is two-thirds of the way to getting it answered.” – John Ruskin

    “To die is poignantly bitter, but the idea of having to die without having lived is unbearable.” – Erich Fromm

    “To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often.” – Winston Churchill

    “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde

    “Want to know something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It’s really worth fighting for — risking everything for. And the trouble is — if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” – Erica Jong

    “We all have times when we think more effectively, and times when we should not be thinking at all.” – Daniel Cohen

    “We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.” – Anais Nin

    “We tend to get what we expect.” – Norman Vincent Peale

    “Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.” – Suzanne Collins

    “What gets measured gets managed.” – Peter Drucker

    “When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small.” – Xondra Day

    “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

    “Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.” – Candace C. Bowen

    “You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” – Henry Ford

    “You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.” – Wayne Dyer

    “You know, you’re rather amusingly wrong.” – Terry Pratchett

    “You will never find time for anything. You must make it.” – Charles Buxton

    “Men are the sport of circumstances when it seems circumstances are the sport of men.” – Lord Byron

    “She has all of the virtues I despise, and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

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