Sending best wishes to someone who is ill

Health and wellness touch everyone’s life differently. This is one person’s story.

A few months ago, when the cold air hit Boston at the beginning of fall, I started to feel more severe symptoms of my genetic connective tissue disorder, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS).

Pain all over my body, especially in my joints. Fatigue that was sometimes so sudden and so overwhelming that I’d fall asleep even after getting 10 hours of quality rest the night before. Cognitive problems that left me struggling to remember basic things, like the rules of the road and how to send an email.

I was telling a friend about it and she said, “I hope you feel better soon!”

“Feel better” is a well-meaning statement. For many people who don’t have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome or another chronic disability, it’s hard to imagine that I won’t just get better.

EDS isn’t defined as a progressive condition in the classical sense, like multiple sclerosis and arthritis often are.

But it is a lifelong condition, and many people experience symptoms that worsen with age as collagen and connective tissue in the body weakens.

The reality is that I’m not going to get any better. I may find treatment and lifestyle changes that improve my quality of life, and I’ll have good and bad days.

But my disability is lifelong — it isn’t at all like recovering from the flu or a broken leg. “Feel better,” then, just doesn’t ring true.

I know it can be challenging to navigate conversations with someone close to you who has a disability or chronic illness. You want to wish them well, because that’s what we’re taught is the polite thing to say. And you sincerely hope that they get “better,” because you care about them.

Not to mention, our social scripts are filled with get well messages.

There are entire sections of greeting cards for sending someone the message that you hope they’ll “feel better” soon.

These messages work really well in acute situations, when someone is temporarily sick or injured and expects to completely recover in weeks, months, or even years.

But for those of us who aren’t in that situation, hearing “get well soon” can do more harm than good.

This social message is so common that when I was a kid, I truly believed that when I became an adult I would magically get better.

I knew that my disabilities were lifelong but I’d internalized the “get well” script so deeply that I imagined I’d wake up someday — at 22 or 26 or 30 — and be able to do all the things my friends and peers could do easily.

I’d work 40 hours or more in an office without needing to take long breaks or getting sick regularly. I’d race down a crowded staircase to catch the subway without even holding the handrails. I’d be able to eat whatever I wanted without worrying about the ramifications of being horribly ill for days after.

When I was out of college, I quickly realized this wasn’t true. I still struggled to work in an office, and needed to leave my dream job in Boston to work from home.

I still had a disability — and I know now that I always will.

Once I realized I wasn’t going to get better, I could finally work toward accepting that — living my best life within my body’s limits.

Accepting those limits, though, is a grieving process for most of us. But it’s one that’s made easier when we have supportive friends and family by our side.

Sometimes it can be easier to throw positive platitudes and well wishes at a situation. Truly empathizing with someone who’s going through a really difficult time — whether that’s a disability or the loss of a loved one or surviving trauma — is hard to do.

Empathizing requires us to sit with someone where they are, even if the place they are is dark and terrifying. Sometimes, it means sitting with the discomfort of knowing you can’t “fix” things.

But truly hearing someone can be more meaningful than you’d think.

When someone listens to my fears — like how I worry about my disability getting worse and all the things I might not be able to do anymore — being witnessed in that moment is a powerful reminder that I’m seen and loved.

I don’t want someone to try and cover up the messiness and the vulnerability of the situation or my emotions by telling me that things will be okay. I want them to tell me that even when things aren’t okay, they’re still there for me.

Too many people believe that the best way to be supportive is to ‘solve’ the problem, without ever asking me what it is I needed from them in the first place.

What do I really want?

I want them to let me explain the challenges I’ve had receiving treatment without offering me unsolicited advice.

Offering me advice when I haven’t asked for it just sounds like you’re saying, “I don’t want to hear about your pain. I want you to do more work to make it better so we don’t have to talk about this anymore.”

I want them to tell me that I’m not a burden if my symptoms get worse and I have to cancel plans, or use my cane more. I want them to say that they’ll support me by making sure our plans are accessible — by always being there for me even if I can’t do the same things I used to do.

People with disabilities and chronic illnesses are constantly reframing our definitions of wellness and what it means to feel better. It helps when the people around us are willing to do the same thing.

If you’re wondering what to say when your friend won’t feel any better, start by talking to (not at) them

Normalize asking the question: “How can I support you right now?” And check in about what approach makes the most sense in a given moment.

“Would you like me to just listen? Do you want me to empathize? Are you looking for advice? Would it help if I were also mad about the same things you are?”

As an example, my friends and I will often make designated time where all of us can just get our feelings out — no one will offer advice unless it’s asked for, and we’ll all empathize instead of offering platitudes like “Just keep looking on the bright side!”

Setting aside the time to talk about our hardest emotions also helps us stay connected on a deeper level, because it gives us a dedicated space to be honest and raw about our feelings without worrying that we’ll be dismissed.

This question — “what do you need from me?” — is one we could all benefit from asking each other more often.

That’s why when my fiancée comes home from work after a rough day, for example, I make sure I ask her exactly that.

Sometimes we open up a space for her to vent about what was hard, and I just listen. Sometimes I’ll echo her anger or discouragement, offering the affirmation she needs.

Other times, we ignore the entire world, make a blanket fort, and watch “Deadpool.”

If I’m sad, whether it’s because of my disability or just because my cat is ignoring me, that’s all I want — and all anyone wants, really: To be heard and supported in a way that says, “I see you, I love you, and I’m here for you.”

Alaina Leary is an editor, social media manager, and writer from Boston, Massachusetts. She's currently the assistant editor of Equally Wed Magazine and a social media editor for the nonprofit We Need Diverse Books.

Mother of a precocious 4 year old girl and a busy entrepreneur Ally Launched Fenwick Hill to make it as easy as possible for other overworked parents and business people to provide beautiful luxurious gifts to those they appreciate. Fenwick Hill includes Hunter Valley Hampers and the sister brands Hamper House, Fruit Baskets and Triple Scented Candles, all sharing the same values of highest quality products, beautiful packaging and superior personal service.

Ally is passionate about high quality local products & the gourmet gift industry, especially supporting smaller boutique artisan producers. Instead of light and low cost imported products in Hampers, Ally wanted Fenwick Hill to instead focus on the best quality product possible. Triple Scented Candles are the number one seller of the Be Enlightened range of Australian made highly scented candles made with non toxic wax and lead free wicks. Fenwick Hills Hamper brands focus on glass jars and heavy hampers of artisan products, and real baskets packed full of fruit.

If you are writing a card when sending a gift to someone with a seriousillness you may want to send a comforting thought with it. Following are some things to think about and some examples of things to say.

What to Say

Whether you are sending a card, a gift, or an email, sometimes it is hard to know what to say. You don't want to use clichés or upset the ill person more. A few choice words can really brighten a person's day and perhaps, if they are seriously ill, can give them hope of recovery.

Here are some appropriate words for a serious illness card that say "I am thinking of you":

• If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I would walk forever in my garden.
• I think about you constantly, whether it's with my mind or my heart.
• Until the sun comes out again for you, my umbrella is big enough for two.
• If knowing that someone cares helps the healing process......then you should be feeling better already.

The following quotes are a bit more philosophical and may help the seriously ill person deal with his illness. They will provide encouragement as well as comfort.

• What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
• What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. - Richard Bach
• The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. - John Vance Cheney
• If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time. - Beth Mende Conny
• I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind; Some come from ahead and some come from behind.; But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.; Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! - Dr. Seuss
• (Good to send with a flower gift) Here's a little bloom to brighten your room, And a little card to say God Bless you today!

Letters or Emails to Someone Who is Seriously Ill

Here are some thoughts that may help you write a good letter or email. You want to let them know that you are thinking about them and give them hope, comfort, and encouragement:

• Unfortunately hospital rules won't let me visit you in Intensive Care. But I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
• I heard that you're going through chemotherapy? I'm sorry to hear that, but I hope that it won't be for long. I hope that you will soon regain some strength.
• Let me know when you feel up for visitors and I'll come over.
• This must be a very difficult time in your life right now. I hope that the medications that the doctors are giving you are helping you feel better; and, that you get to return home soon. Remember, you are missed and that we all (I) care.

Gift Ideas

Now that you have some ideas of appropriate words for a serious illness card or letter, you may want to send or take a gift. Gift stores or floral shops have a collection of mugs, stuffed animals, plaques, or figurines that sometimes have inspirational words on them.

If the person has a terminal illness, you may consider talking to family members and friends and putting together a scrapbook of the person's life. Not only would it give the person some memories to enjoy, but is something visitors could look at with him or her, as it is sometimes hard to think of things to say.

If your friend or relative is feeling unwell, or staying in the hospital, the best thing you can do – apart from visiting them – sends a little Get well soon card or a small gift to let them know that they are in your thoughts and that you are wishing them quick recovery.

Beautiful get well soon flowers are available at SerenataFlowers.com and as for the card, there are over 40 ideas for getting Well Soon Quotes and messages:

Get Well Soon Quotes and Messages

1. Praying that you get well soon and experience the joys of being healthy again.
2. We hope you feel better because we miss you so much.
3. I may not have a medical degree but I do have friendship’s healing touch. Get well soon.
4. I have come with my magical powers so that you don’t feel sick. FRIENDSHIP, is the name of my powerful healing technique. I’m here now, to keep sickness at bay. In no time, you’ll be laughing and smiling away. Get well soon.
5. Sending you well wishes for your quick recovery and good health.
6. I wish I was a magician so I could make you fit and healthy with the wave of a wand!
7. Get well soon and hold me tight. If I have it my way, I shall never let you fall ill again!
8. For your illness, a few candies and flowers may not be the perfect cure. But they will cheer you up for sure. Get well soon.
9. I hope this get well wish brings a smile to your face. You are too beautiful to be feeling down.
10. Thoughtful prayers sent your way that you will soon feel better again.
11. While you rest and recover, I’ll be next to you praying and hoping for a smooth and quick recovery.
12. The BEAUTY of friendship is that it can make an UGLY sickness disappear. Get well soon.
13. As you are healing, may you feel warmth and compassion from all who care about you. Best wishes that you will soon be back to doing all the things you love.
14. Your illness has reached a boiling point because I am boiling over with frustration since we can’t meet. Get well soon.
15. I wish that you can quickly leave that hospital bed, and spend that time with me instead. Your presence in my life makes me tick. How dare you fall sick? Get well soon.
16. Sending my love and hopes that it this will envelop you with good health.
17. Our thoughts and prayers are with you as we wish for a complete and restful recovery. Looking forward to catching up with you again soon.
18. Just think about the SWEET memories of our friendship… it will make the BITTERNESS of your sickness go away. Get well soon.
19. Drink plenty of fluid and get lots of rest so you can recover soon.
20. If money can buy back your health, I wouldn’t mind closing my bank account just to see you well again. You mean the world to me, so get well soon!
21. I am not a doctor so I don’t know how to bring an end to your illness. But I am your friend so I definitely know how to bring a smile on your face. Get well soon.
22. It has not been easy for me since I heard you were not feeling fine. I send you this message to let you know I’m thinking of you and hope you will get better soon; wishing you fast return to health.
23. Sending loads of hugs and kisses. I hope they make you feel happy and healthy.
24. Get well soon. We want to see you healthy and bubbling with life again so you can bring laughter and joy to our hearts.
25. I was saddened when I heard you were ill; here I brought you a bouquet of rich flowery red rose as a sign of my love and strong hope for your health and happiness. Get well soon.
26. I’m really sorry to hear of your illness. We’re all thinking of you during this time and hope your recovery is a speedy one.
27. Don’t fool around, don’t pretend! I’m just kidding, get well soon, love you, your best Friend!
28. Although you are feeling unwell, I know you will be back on your feet again soon.
29. I don’t want to boast but I can give you something the doctor can’t – warm hugs and precious smiles. Get well soon.
30. Don’t worry my friend, I will take justice. I will beat the living daylight out of all the germs who have invaded your body. You just sit back, relax and focus on getting well.
31. Dear friend… When you laugh, I laugh. When you cry, I cry. When you smile, I smile. When you frown, I frown. When you fall sick, I fall sick. But when you feel better, I do too. So, get well soon.
32. It broke my heart when I heard you were sick. I wish I can take the pains away faster than the doctors can. Get well soon.
33. I am heartbroken to learn of your ill health! I wish you speedy recovery so we can enjoy our lives together. Get well soon.
34. I hope you find fast healing with each and every day my sweet friend.
35. Recovery is hard work – but you’re not alone. Not a day goes by that you aren’t thought of and wished well.
36. You better swing back into action fast, so that we can party and have a blast. Get well soon.
37. All you need is the comfort of the warmest blanket known to mankind – Friendship. I am here, get well soon.
38. Look outside; the sun is shining and it’s telling you to get well soon.
39. If I had the chance I would tell all the bacteria in your body, to take mine instead of yours. Get well soon my friend.
40. You’ve brought so much joy to my life; I hope to bring some cheer to yours. Get well soon.
41. From sunrise to sunset, from east to west, from north to south, we all pray for your quick recovery. Get well soon.

sources: wishesmessages.com and wishesgreeting.com

Read More about Get Well Soon:

30+ Get Well Soon Messages

15 Get Well Soon Wishes for a Friend

Get Well Wishes

Get Well Soon Flowers – Basic Etiquette

Forget me not: Remembrance Flowers

50+ Get Well Messages

10 Get Well Soon Gifts for any Budget