Browse our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous new momquotes and new A mother does not become pregnant in order to provide employment to medical people. the human spirit is courageous and bold and the body, a miracle of wisdom. HARRIETTE HARTIGAN. “ Birth is a mystery. Words are not enough.
One of my favorite questions I’m asked at least once a week is “any funny parenting advice for new parents?” My first reaction is to laugh and respond “yes, say goodbye to your life” but that always seems so cruel. But seriously HAHAHA their life is over.
I’m honestly not sure of the reason I’m asked so frequently for advice for new parents. Sure, I’ve got two kids, chronicle my experiences as a parent on this website and I’ve even written a book for new dads but I’m not sure if I’m in the position just yet to give advice. Honestly, I don’t know if any parent can really give advice. Here’s why — every kid is different. EXTREMELY DIFFERENT.
So, while I can’t give specific and practicaladvice to new parents, I can offer them (I mean WARN THEM) about many of the issues coming down the line.
All 400+ of these parenting tips could be considered funny parenting advice for new parents. But just a warning — “do as I say and not as I screwed up.”
Hopefully, new and veteran parents will find some of the advice in these notes helpful. If not, you’re on your own.
Honestly, when it comes to parenting, you’re always on your own! But that’s half the fun.
The other half is snickering when people ask for advice.
Want some honest but funny parenting advice about newborns? Here goes. Youre going to feel like you dont know what the hell youre doing and thats OK.
I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing.
Want some honest but funny parenting advice about toddlers and preschoolers?
I feel Jerry Seinfeld said it best in hisfunny quote on parenting Having a 2-year-old is like owning a blender that you dont have a top for.
Heres more honest and funny parenting advice about raising topless blenders.
Sorry. I meant toddlers.
Heres some honest and funny parenting advice about raising young kids.
Raising young kids is much like playing golf.
A golfer can take 100 bad swings, and when all hope is lost, he nails that one perfect shot. This gets him through the next 100 awful shots.
The same rule applies to a parent. A parent can make countless mistakes and the kids can be intolerable.
Until that one moment that makes it all worthwhile.
Another similarity between parenting and golf theres a ton of cursing involved.
If youre looking for real parenting advice on raising kids, well, youve possibly come to the right place.
While Id never tell a person how to be a better parent theres books and videos that would do a much better job I will share my own experiences in parenting.
If any of thisfunny parent advicemakes parenting a little easier, Ive done my job.
At the very least, it will make you laugh. Usually at me, and not with me.
Heres the great thing about all these parenting quotes from famous people they prove youre not alone.
They also prove even rich people have kid issues.
You know those moments when you think I have to be the only parent whos gone through this stuff?
Well, NOPE! Youre not the first and you certainly wont be the last.
Parenting Tip #387 Be A Good Parent To ALL Kids
Parenting Tip #388 Focus On The Good
Parenting Tip #389 Moms & Dads Share The Good Things About Being A Parent
Parenting Tip #390 Ugh, Public Bathrooms
Parenting Tip #391 Seriously, Get Ready For Toilet Humor
Parenting Tip #392 Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired
Parenting Tip #393 Stepping On LEGOs Is Painful & Unavoidable
Parenting Tip #394 Stock Up On Everything
Parenting Tips #395 #400
Parenting Tips #401-410
Parenting Tips #411-420
Parenting Tips #421-430
Click for more funny parenting advice and follow me on FACEBOOK, TWITTER, INSTAGRAM or get occasional EMAILS about all my stuff.
So with all of you expecting mothers out there in mind (and a very special I think if I had to give a new mom my top three words of advice it.
Congratulations! You’re a new mom, or you soon will be, and you are over the advice from “experts.” What you need is some hard-core, from-the-trenches, say-it-like-it-is advice. You’ve come to the right place.
Childbirth is the most painful, life-altering event most women will ever experience. It is our unspoken bond, and it makes us all think that a) we are experts on children and b) we are now licensed to share unsolicited advice. All you can do is listen politely, smile and nod, take away what makes sense and put the rest in your mental diaper pail. The only exception to this is if the advice is coming from your mother-in-law. In this situation, it’s OK to get up and leave the room (because after living with her son and learning all the supreme ways in which she dropped the ball, you really don’t have the patience to take parenting advice from her).
You might think we’re going to give you a few tips on how to handle your tiny new poop rocket, but we’re going to focus on you. There is an undeniable truth about childbirth that no one will tell you, because if they did, we’d all stop having babies. After you have a baby, your bowels will go on hiatus — and when they finally give up their stubborn battle against you, it will make childbirth seem like a walk in the park. See “Wives’ tales that work” below for a time-honored remedy.
As a new mother, you need to develop a well-thought-out strategy for how you want to spend your days and nights. If you nurse a baby every five minutes, she’ll want to eat every five minutes. If you carry a baby around on your body like a kangaroo all day, he will not want to be separated from you. If you rock a baby to sleep every single night, she won’t go to sleep without being rocked — and once you put her down, she will wake up.
You can still enjoy breastfeeding, wearing and rocking your baby, bearing a few things in mind. If you get your baby on a routine feeding schedule, preferably one that allows for three- to four-hour breaks between each feeding, you and your nipples will be a lot happier. If you want to wear your infant for an hour at a time, knock yourself out — but take breaks throughout the day. Carrying your baby around all day on your person turns your baby into a Stage 5 clinger, and it ruins your back. Lastly, feel free to rock your baby for five to 10 minutes at bedtime, but put that little guy in a crib after that unless you want to be chained to a rocking chair until he’s in junior high.
We’ve all wondered why humans have the parent/child relationship for at least 18 years, right? It’s so your mother, grandmothers and aunts can serve as knowledgeable experts when the next generation has a baby. Lean on mothers you respect within your family or your circle. They will be all too happy to assist. Steer clear of the moms whose kids turned out like freaks. You can turn your kids into freaks all on your own — you don’t need help for that. If you don’t have any of these women in your life, don’t worry. That’s what Ask-a-Nurse is for.
Like most mothers, I’m going to give you unsolicited advice on wives’ tales that made sense to me, so I tried them and they worked.
• I nursed all day and fed my babies formula at night. They both slept through the night at six weeks. (Nipple confusion is bunk.)
• When your bowels freeze up on you after childbirth, mix equal parts of prune juice and 7Up (it’s not bad — it kind of tastes like Dr Pepper). Drink once or twice a day. You’re welcome.
• If your baby falls asleep with a pacifier, slip it out of her mouth about 10 minutes after she falls asleep, so she doesn’t wake up when it falls out a half-hour into her nap. It also makes it easier to break the child of a pacifier later on.
• Don’t force potty-training. It will become a contest of wills, and your toddler will win. Also, once you think, “Fine! I don’t care if this kid goes to Kindergarten in diapers!” that’s right about the time he will potty train.
• Sleep when your baby sleeps. The end. The filth and bills can wait. You’ll be a much more effective mother if you don’t hate your baby three weeks into being a mom because you’re sleep-deprived.
How Google is helping moms breastfeed
How to get your groove back after having a baby
Dealing with sleep deprivation
Are you feeling wise today? Want to feel wise today? Get a chuckle out of these funny words of wisdom and pass along to any friends who also need a little bit of humor and wisdom in their life!
You know you’re a mom when you understand why Momma Bear’s porridge was cold.
Motherhood: Powered by love. Fueled by coffee. Sustained by wine.
I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. That’s why I became a mom.
Behind every mom is a full basket of dirty laundry.
If exercising patience burned calories, I’d be a Victoria Secret model by now!
Mother: noun. 1. One person who does the world of twenty. For free. (See also: masochist, loony, saint)
I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps. I love that one more.
Becoming a mother makes you realize you can do almost anything with one hand.
My hairdo is called, “I have kids.”
If a woman speaks and no one listens, her name is probably Mom.
Nothing is really lost until mom can’t find it.
Good moms let you lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.
My mom doesn’t just enjoy guilt trips. She runs the travel agency.
May your coffee be strong and your nap time long.
Cleaning house with the kids at home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
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Congratulations! You're a new mom, or you soon will be, and you are over the advice from “experts.” What you need is some hard-core.
It’s normal to feel nervous about becoming a mother for the first time. As excited as you may be, you’re also about to be thrust into a whole new role that you’ve never had any experience with before. So with all of you expecting mothers out there in mind (and a very special one in particular…), we reached out to 10 of Lauren’s own trusted friends, family members, and confidantes for a few pieces of advice on new motherhood. Read their words of wisdom below…
My advice would have to be: It’s OK to be tired. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to make mistakes. It’s OK to put your crying baby down and take a moment for yourself to breathe. Sleep when your baby sleeps. You are going to get a lot of advice; so just listen politely, smile, nod and then do what YOU think is best for you and your baby. – Kathy Conrad, Lauren’s mother
Remember that everything is temporary. Treasure all of the cute, sweet moments and phases. Babies change so quickly that some stages may only last a few days. Capture every new sound, expression and movement so you can look back on them. Stay calm when things get challenging. Remind yourself that the stressful times are phases that will pass as well. You’ve got this. – Hannah Skvarla, cofounder of The Little Market and mom to Liora, age 2
Becoming a new mom is one of the most exciting and scariest things you will go through. It is impossible to be completely prepared for what is to come. Having my daughter has hands down been the most rewarding job I have ever had. I think if I had to give a new mom my top three words of advice it would be this….
1) Motherhood is like a job. And no one loves their job EVERY SINGLE DAY. That is OK! Being a mom is one of the hardest things in the world. But it is also the most rewarding thing to watch this little human grow into person they are supposed to be. Don’t compare yourself to others. Even the best parents in the world don’t have a manual. Sometimes we are all just winging it!
2) It does get easier—the sleep deprivation, the breastfeeding, the feeling that you have no idea what you are doing—it all gets easier. Every stage is a season. Try to enjoy it while you are there. Because before you know it, you are on to the next!
3) Go with your gut! As I am spilling my own advice on to you right now, at the end of the day, you know what is best for you and your baby. Everyone will have their own opinions on bottle vs. breast, sleep training, pacifiers, vaccinations—the list goes on. Every baby is different and every mom parents differently. Do what feels right to you! That is always the best answer. – Jeannie Bendel Scharetg, Lauren’s friend and mom to Chloe, age 3
Dear New Mom,
LET IT GO… yes, I know it’s the title of an uber-popular Disney song, but these are truly important words for new moms. If you are having a baby, then you probably have friends who have or are having babies. Don’t compare yourself and don’t bother with others who compare you and your baby. Every little life grows on his or her own schedule. Follow your doctor’s advice, but more importantly follow your heart. In all the postpartum hormonal upheaval, it is challenging to stay centered and calm. If you can learn to let it go, you and your new person will be happier.
When someone gives you advice that you haven’t asked for, just smile and say, “thank you.” When you can’t get in the shower all day because of the needs of your little one: grab the deodorant and take advantage of the baby powder and pray your partner gets home soon. When the baby is crying and crying and crying and you’ve fed, changed, burped, and checked him or her for ouchies: just hold that precious little bundle tightly in your arms and sing your favorite song over and over, as softly as possible (heck, sing “Let It Go”!). This will calm you and, eventually, calm baby. And, perhaps most importantly, accept help. When someone offers (in my case, begs!) to hold the baby or watch the baby, let them! You are with that new person almost 24/7. Take a break, it will benefit both of you. – Anna Salvatore, Lauren’s mother-in-law
When I had my first baby all of my girlfriends had just had their first, too. It was amazing to hang out with them and share all the ups and downs that came with being a mom for the first time. But it also made me realize that just like we all had different birth stories, we also had different approaches to being a mom, especially for the first time. And most of those differences came from how our own mothers parented us.
So here is my advice to my beautiful friend and soon to be new mom:
Rely on your girlfriends for support and camaraderie, but rely on your instincts whenever you are in doubt. As moms we come with built-in instincts that help us get through all the little moments that seem scary and unknown. And if all else fails, call your mom! – Kate Martindale, prop stylist and mom to Bella, age 13 and Cade, age 8
Make sure you and your significant other are on the same team, trust that you both know what’s best for your children, and encourage each other with reminders that he/she is doing a great job. The other morning both babies were crying and my husband looked over at me and laughed, winked, and said, “We’ve got this.” Sometimes laughter is the best remedy! Babies are going to cry and it’s OK. – Amy Nadine, Lauren’s makeup artist, cofounder of Practically Perfect Baby and The Beauty Department, and mom to Jones, age 1 and Iverson, 2 months
When Eden was born 2 ½ years ago, I was among the first of my friends to become a parent. Of course this made the adjustment harder and felt more isolating in a lot of ways, but the silver lining was that I was blissfully unaware of the great debates that exist over so many parenting philosophies—unmedicated childbirth vs. epidural or caesarian, co-sleeping vs. sleep training, formula vs. breastfeeding, babywearing vs. stroller pushing, purees vs. baby led weaning—the list seriously goes on and on.
Of course a few months into this parenting gig, I became aware of how strongly mothers on both sides of the spectrum feel about all of these issues. But I continued to approach parenting in the way I had started out—sans dogma. I continue to believe that nothing is black and white and there’s no need to attach a stigma or even a label to any parenting decision you make. Just trust your gut, don’t pay attention to any outside voices other than the ones you really trust, and in most cases, you will probably land somewhere in the middle.
(Also, don’t think you have to stop traveling or eating grownup food! In my experience, the best way to end up with a child who is an easy traveler and a good eater is to travel with them often and feed them what you like to eat from the get go.) – Ilana Saul, LaurenConrad.com managing editor and mom to Eden, age 2 ½
It’s OK to ask for help. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it’s not always easy to admit when you can’t handle something on our own. There is no instruction manual for motherhood and definitely no “one size fits all” policy when it comes to caring for a newborn, so leaning on your family and friends is really important. Before becoming a mama, I was used to being in control of my world. I didn’t like asking for help because I felt like I was capable of handling most situations, but having a small human flipped that upside down.
It wasn’t always about whether I was capable of handling things; sometimes it was just that there weren’t enough hours in the day and I needed 15 minutes to shower in peace… while crying and drinking a glass of wine. (Note: new mothers are allowed to drink wine in the shower. That’s not advice; that’s actually a rule.). Leaning on those around you to help cook, clean, babysit, run errands, etc. is totally acceptable. In fact, those closest to you want to help. It may not be the easiest thing for some new mamas (particularly for the sort of #girlboss who commits to making a piñata from scratch and basically cooking all the food for her party planning books from scratch!), but I encourage you new mamas to embrace as much help as you can get. Trust me; when you have a two-year-old with a penchant for toddler tantrums, people somehow became a bit less eager. – Leslie Bruce, LaurenConrad.com contributor, founder of Unpacified, and mom to Tallulah, age 2
Advice is something you will be getting from just about every person in your life, so I’ll keep this simple. You are going to be an amazing mother. Whether you do it “right” is not the point. You will never do everything right, even with the best of intentions. What matters is if you do it from the deepest place of love and you try. We all make mistakes. We are all guilty of being pushovers for our kids. Honestly, the mistakes are necessary. That’s the soul growth. Plus, what else will you talk about with other moms over dinner and a margarita?
So final last words…try to take it easy, share the good stuff AND the bad stuff with other mamas so that we can all feel normal, and know that once you get through the first two weeks of nursing it gets 75 percent easier! – Haylie Duff, founder of Real Girl’s Kitchen and mom to Ryan, age 2
Accept all the help you can get, and don’t try to do it all on your own.
Mothers have a strong protective instinct, and you believe that no one else can look after your baby like yourself… it’s an internal conflict every mother goes through and at times I still struggle with it. If you have people around you to help, let them. Us mothers could use some time for ourselves occasionally!
Also, have fun with your kids! Laugh with them and play with them. Children remember having fun more than they remember having things. – Jennifer Delgado, Lauren’s friend and mom to Bella, age 3, and Francis, 4 months
Do you have any advice you would give to a new mother?
We’d love to hear it below.
XO Team LC
Show her your love and appreciation with these mother-daughter quotes— included are sentimental, inspirational, funny, cute quotes and Unknown; “ Words are not enough to express the unconditional love that . Even at such a young age, you are full of wisdom, kindness, compassion, and courage.