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Funny jokes clean
March 30, 2019 Anniversary Wishes 3 comments

Count down the days until December 25th with these very funny kid's Christmas jokes sent in by Boys' Life readers. We guarantee this clean holiday.

A Fly Feels A Bug On Its Back

September 11, 2019 / 2,471 views

A fly feels a bug on its back. "Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asks. "I mite be," giggles the mite. "That's the worst pun I've ever heard," groans the...

A Girl Named Darling

August 13, 2019 / 5,351 views

A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing at school. Eventually, she overcame her hang-up and married her high-school sweetheart. When their first child was...

A Conversation With A Scammer

July 10, 2019 / 7,032 views

Me: "Hello." NOT-Microsoft support: "Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device." Me: "Oh no. My device? Are you...

A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates

June 13, 2019 / 7,489 views

St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger...

Three Men Go To Hell And They're Pissed

May 22, 2019 / 8,070 views

"Surely we weren't that bad?" they ask themselves. "There has to be something we can do to get out of here." Satan suddenly appears and says "Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip...

Are These Plates Clean?

April 18, 2019 / 13,279 views

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather. While eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he notices his plate isn't clean. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather...

Two Americans Go To Church In France

April 04, 2019 / 10,438 views

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says...

A Blonde Attempts A Jigsaw Puzzle

March 12, 2019 / 13,283 views

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's...

A Sales Rep, Administration Clerk, And Their Manager Find A Magical Lamp

February 18, 2019 / 11,963 views

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me...

A Policeman Is Interrogating 3 Men Who Are Training To Become Detectives

January 16, 2019 / 18,124 views

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll...

Want To Participate In A Marathon?

December 20, 2018 / 15,162 views

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, why...

Dinosaurs Find A Magic Lamp

December 03, 2018 / 18,753 views

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks...

A Man Stays The Night With Monks And Hears A Strange Sound

November 21, 2018 / 18,207 views

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even...

The Casket

November 12, 2018 / 15,403 views

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging...

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

November 02, 2018 / 97,282 views

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died. All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in. The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my...

Jesus And Satan Are Arguing Over Who Is Better On The Computer

October 17, 2018 / 16,736 views

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better...

A Young Couple Dies On The Way To Their Wedding

September 27, 2018 / 18,628 views

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to...

A Major Asks For The Lieutenant

September 13, 2018 / 37,653 views

A major arrives at a remote post. "Where's your lieutenant?" he asks a private. "Sir, there isn't a lieutenant assigned to this post." "I was told there was." "No,...

Check out these funny jokes for kids to tell at school. Just because they are clean and school appropriate jokes doesn't mean they lack the.

55 Funny Christmas Jokes and Comics

funny jokes clean

Political Jokes

Previous Joke | Next Joke

...
Clocks in Heaven
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Have a Good day

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101+ Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Kids (Free Download)

funny jokes clean

Reading Time: 16minutes

At Culture Amp, one of our company values is, “Have the courage to be vulnerable.” One way we put this into practice is a rite of passage for our new Campers – telling a joke at their first all-hands meeting. 

We’ve been graced with our fair share of ‘dad’ jokes, so-bad-they’re-good puns, knock-knock jokes and even some moments of pure stand-up comedy. In 2017, over 90 new Campers joined us across our three groups – Customer, Org, and Product – and we thought we’d share the laughter with you.

Read on, and take your favorite joke to dazzle your coworkers. 

Oh, if you’d like to join our funny crew, we’re hiring.

New Customer Group Campers

We operate within a team-based structure, and our customer group is responsible for finding, winning and keeping customers. Teams within this group include Marketing, Sales, Outreach and more.  

Casey M 
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
(insert: you saying “R”)
You’d think it’d be the “R” but it’s the “C.”

Jasmine E
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a………… pint of beer please.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Well, I’ve always had em!” 

Kat J
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing. 


Had enough funny business?

Get in touch with one of Culture Amp’s People Geeks to learn more about our employee feedback platform today.

Contact us


Matt O
What do you call someone who doesn’t like carbs?
Lack-Toast Intolerant.

Christine C

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”


Sinan W
Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper? 
He wanted to live in the present.

Kusum C
What does a house wear?
A dress. 

Caleb C
Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for his Easter Break.

When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”

To which Arnie replied [in Arnie voice]: “Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day.”

His colleague then says, “Oh Arnie that’s no good at all, I’m sorry to hear! Does that mean you don’t love easter anymore?”

Arnie [Very important to read in Arnie voice]: “Oh no of course not – I still love easter, baby.”

Jared E
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Déja.
Déja who?
Knock knock.

Chatu A
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars.”

“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the man. The owner says “Well the parrot knows how to use a computer.”

The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars.

Needless to say this begs the question, “What can it do?”

To which the owner replies,

“To be honest I have never seen it do anything but the other two call him boss!”

Eloi L
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? 
You look drunk.

Andrew H
What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation?
The gravy train

Stephanie B/Namibia L (Product)
What did one ocean say to the other? 
Nothing, they just waved.

Jessica B
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? 
Because to them… love means NOTHING!

Gudrun V
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? 
Because they could spend years at C.

Christina H
Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? 
Because he was a fun-ghi.

Craig F

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?

Fo drizzle.

David B
What do diapers and politicians have in common? 
They both stink and need to be changed often.

Brittney K
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.

Jacob E
Why didn’t the bike want to go anywhere? 
Because it was two-tired!

Melissa Z
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”

She said, “I can teach it good manners.” 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet. 

The parrot said “Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”

Grace M
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. 
He told me to stop going to those places. 

Amy C
Knock knock (who’s there?)
To (to who?)
It’s “to whom.”

Allison M
Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!

Brit F

Want to hear a pizza joke?

Nahhh, it’s too cheesy!

Amin A
Why are chemists great at solving problems?
Because they have all of the solutions!

Molly B
What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear? 
Denim, denim, denim

Brittany T
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

Janene S
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there!

Andy M
Why can’t Chuck Norris use the internet? 
Because he won’t submit.

Fiona S
What does a nosey pepper do? 
It gets jalapeńo business.

Siddhartha K
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? 
Because they’re really good at it.

Krunal P
What did the right eye say to the left eye? 
Honestly, between you and me something smells.

Jeanne D/Sanjay M
A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, “Hey, aren’t you that string I turned away before?” and the string goes, “Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”

Amelia S

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because he was out standing in his field!

Demitri S

What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller?

Spot!

J.D. P
How does Lady Gaga like her steak?
(sing) Raw-raw-raw-ra-ah-aww

Kealan H/Julie H (Product) 
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Haloumi!

Tiya B
Why did the developer go broke?
Because he used up all his cache.

Stephanie S 
What do you call a deer that can’t see? “No eye deer”

What do you call a deer that can’t see and has no legs? “Still no eye deer”

What do you call a deer that can’t see, has no legs, and just got hit by a car? Still no bloody eye deer.

Dan J
I‘ve spent the last five months traveling so, rather than tell a joke I thought I’d tell a story about one of the people I met.

So I’m in Cambodia, chilling at the beach and meeting people, as you do, chatting away and drinking. One of the guys I meet is Jurgen. He’s as wide as he is tall and he has this fantastic big belly that sticks out like a barrel. But that’s not what stands out about Jurgen. No, what stands out, is the enormous tattoo that he has written across his torso, over his belly. Five letters. One word. PIZZA.

So as we’re drinking away and getting to know each other, my mind keeps wandering back to the tattoo. What’s the significance of it…What does it mean? Does it represent his social commentary on the state of the world? Is it a pet name? And the longer we sit there drinking, the more determined I am to work it out. So eventually, after a lot of beers, I pipe up the question.

“Hey, Jurgen”

“Yes, Dan”

“Can I ask a question?”

“Of course you can Dan”

“What does the Pizza tattoo mean… Is it a childhood nickname? Does it have some kind of symbolic or deeper meaning?”

And Jurgen puts down his beer and looks and me and just says

“No, I just love Pizza.”

New Org Group Campers

Members of our Org Group are responsible for building the company, shaping the employee experience, and supporting Customer & Product. Teams in this group include People & Experience, Finance, and Legal. 

Kayleigh M
A man goes to the zoo. There’s only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.

Ginny F
If Bert Newton was a butcher…how would he introduce his wife?
Meat Patty!

Belinda G
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

Ryan A
Why does a Chicken Coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it’d be a Chicken Sedan!

Jacqueline P

What do you call a bear with no teeth

A gummy bear!

Henry H
Why should you wear glasses to maths class?
Because it helps with division.

Christian M
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. A house doesn’t jump at all! 

Ann E
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?!
Well, he got 12 months!

Ayla C
What’s the difference between a well-dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a tricycle? A tire. 

New Product Group Campers

You guessed it, Campers in the product group are tasked with building the Culture Amp platform. This group includes teams like Front End, Share & Act,  Security, and Product Marketing. They’ve built all of our surveys, like employee engagement and employee effectiveness. 

David C
I don’t have a joke, instead I’m going to tell you my favorite animal fact. Did you know that ants are the only animals that don’t get sick? It’s true! It’s because they have little antibodies.

Paul A
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Michael B/Oscar T (Customer)
I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.

Letian W
Why it is hard for a communist to tell a joke?
It’s not funny until everyone gets it.

Ramya R
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”

The man answers, “Now the problems start!”

Daniel B
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? 
One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter 

Brenton A
I was told that I needed to come up with a joke for this thing, and I’ve always been one of those people who messes up the punchline, so I figured I should probably prepare for it.

So I went to a bookshop and found a good joke book, to try and get some inspiration, or just plain steal a joke to use.

When I got home, I realized I’d accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed… upset… disappointed… vexed… disconcerted.

Winny Y
Once there was a man who went to an exotic country and came across a stall selling handmade handheld fans. He asked for the prettiest and longest-lasting one and the owner charged him a whopping $1,000! After using it the first time, it broke so he took it back for a refund.

The owner listened to the complaints and finally asked him how he used the fan. The man demonstrated flapping the fan as one would normally do.

Then the owner said, “Ah! No wonder! You have been using the fan wrong. This is the way to use it.”

Then, he held the fan, and frantically moved his head left and right.

Diana M
A designer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type in here.”

A product manager walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, no drinks, but we’ll consider adding them later.”

A drunk Elm programmer walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve dysfunctional programmers.”

Finally, a QA engineer walks into the bar, orders a beer, ten beers, 2.5 million beers, a dog, and leaves without paying.

Peter O
What’s Forrest Gump’s email password?  
1forrest1

Tom R
When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.

She responded, “No, I just really hate vegetables.”

Rebecca S
Did you know that the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is only ever a whim away? A whim away… a whim away…

Prince L
And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Bhairavi T
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Dani A
Teacher: ” Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
*Nobody stands up *
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!”
*Little Johnny stands up *
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… I just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

Jason O
My housemate is a huge Richmond Tigers fan. Now the Richmond Football Club in Melbourne hadn’t been in the grand final since 1982 (way before she was born) so this was a big deal for her. 

Unfortunately, she hadn’t expected them to make it to the grand finals (after all, they never had made it in her life so far) so when she was planning her wedding she had picked that same spring afternoon.

Devastated as she realized she couldn’t possibly do both, she resigned herself to making the difficult choice, the only choice, and posted on Facebook “If anyone would like to take my place this Saturday, 2 pm at St Mark’s Chapel, let me know.”

Toby R

Why did the ghost go to rehab?
He was addicted to boos. 

Deepa S
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling.

Kim D
What does a vegan zombie like to eat?
Graaains. 

Jaime T /Kristina L (Customer)
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale. 

Robert J
Have you heard about the band 1023MB?
It’s probably because they haven’t got a gig yet…

Kunwardeep B
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. 
But I laugh more.

Michael R
Why did the car get a flat tire?
Because there was a fork in the road! 

Martin V
An Italian businessman goes to Indonesia for a business trip. He hates Indonesian food, so he asked the concierge in his hotel, “Is there any restaurant where I can find Italian food here?” The concierge says, “You’re lucky sir, a new pizza restaurant just opened and they deliver.” The businessman asks for the restaurant’s number, goes back to his room and orders the pizza.

30 minutes later, the delivery person shows up with the pizza. He takes the pizza and eats it. Suddenly he’s sneezing uncontrollably and shouting to the delivery person, “What did you put on this pizza?!”

The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put exactly what you ordered on the phone, sir. It’s pepper only” 

Olga S
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State building can’t jump. 

Lauren M
Why don’t scientists trust Atoms? 
They make up everything.

Kristopher H
Why didn’t the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10?
I asked him and he said, “I still love vista, baby.”

Rebecca V
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!!!!

Sebastian C

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? 
A carrot! 

Tom G
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.

Sam M
Two whales walk into a pub.

They take a seat at the bar and the first one turns to the bartender and says:
“Whhhhhoooooaaaaaeeeeeyyyyiiiiiaaaalllllllooooaaaaauuu?”

The second one turns to the first and says, “Shut up Fred, you’re drunk.”

James B
What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye?
A Do-you-think-he-saw-us!

David M
Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, “Let’s go get a drink, there’s this new place that does THE best punch you’ll ever drink.”

So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender “Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please.”

The bartender replies in a stern voice, “If you want some punch you’re gonna have to get in line like everybody else.”

The friends turn and look around but there’s no punch line… 

Most kids are little clowns by nature, but learning how to tell a good joke is a skill that they will need help mastering. Laughing together is a.

17 clean funny jokes for kids

funny jokes clean

110 of the best clean jokes and one-liners to make the whole family laugh

If you're looking for a few jokes to use at a family get-together that won't offend any of your more sensitive relatives, you've come to the right place.

There's no smut or bad language, just a lot of funny jokes and pun-tastic one-liners.

“I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.” - Jimmy Carr

“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” - Milton Jones

“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” - Chris Turner

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.'” - Damien Slash

“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” - Jordan Brookes

“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” - Lee Mack

“A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here.'” - Peter Kay

“I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” - Felicity Ward

100 of the best ever jokes and one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe

"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." - Steven Wright

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” - Tim Vine

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless." - Mitch Hedberg

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'” - Tim Vine

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." - Jerry Seinfeld

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone.'" - Alan Carr

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." - Demetri Martin

"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any." - Tommy Cooper

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” - Milton Jones

"So I'm at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon." - Emo Philips

"A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020." - Rich Hall

"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble." - Rhod Gilbert

“My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, ‘Is this a joke?'” - Ken Dodd

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'” - Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” - Milton Jones

“I moved to a well-to-do area. I know it’s well-to-do because I said to my husband ‘it’s chilly in here’, and he said ‘shall we turn the floor up’?” - Sarah Millican

"Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." - Tommy Cooper

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” - Iain Stirling

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” - Ken Dodd

“I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!'” - Jimmy Carr

“I got recognised today in Dixons. A member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey you’re that mad bloke off the telly’. I went ‘that’s me’, and he went ‘no, you’re that mad bloke… off the telly!'” - Lee Mack

75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.” - Tim Vine

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” - Paul F Taylor

"A man walked into the doctor's. He said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'" - Tommy Cooper

“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” - Ian Smith

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” - Billy Connolly

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” - Tom Ward

“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” - Tom Parry

"My great uncle Arthur died at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. But he wasn't involved in the fighting. He was camping in a nearby field and popped over to complain about the noise." - Rob Brydon

“So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, ‘That’s a turtle disaster.'” - Peter Kay

“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” - Aatif Nawaz

“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” - Nick Hall

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is." - Ellen DeGeneres

“I got a great review this morning. Prompt and efficient payer. eBay.” - Lee Mack

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” - Gary Delaney

“You give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But you teach a man to fish – saved yourself a fish haven’t you?” - Lee Mack

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” - Tim Vine

“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” - Sarah Millican

“When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.” - Jimmy Carr

“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.” - Ken Dodd

"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'" - Jerry Seinfeld

"I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school play." - Jo Brand

50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine." - Spike Milligan

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much!'” - Andrew Bird

“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” - Nick Helm

"A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!" - Bill Murray

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” - Sara Pascoe

“I don’t trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say ‘press’, but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised.” - Milton Jones

"Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!" - Dave Barry

"It's sad day when your child looks up at you and asks: 'Daddy, is this organic?' Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!" - Dylan Moran

“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” - Andrew Lawrence

"A man walks into a chemist's and says: 'Can I have a bar of soap, please?' The chemist says: 'Do you want it scented?' And the man says: 'No, I'll take it with me now." - Ronnie Barker

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” - Paul F. Taylor

“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” - Abi Roberts

"I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup." - Eric Morecambe

“My granddad always said ‘never judge a book by its cover’. And it’s for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel. See? I can write jokes – I just choose not to.” - Stewart Lee

"Conjunctivitis.com - there's a site for sore eyes." - Tim Vine

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!” – Tim Vine

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” - Stewart Francis

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” - Alun Cochrane

"My Dad used to say 'fight fire with fire.' Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade." - Harry Hill

"The guy who invented the wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three? He was the genius." - Sid Caesar

“I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me – until I fell into a printing press.” - Milton Jones

“Why on earth do people say things like ‘my eyes aren’t what they used to be.’ So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?” - Billy Connolly

“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads.” - Mark Simmons

"What's Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat." - Aisling Bea

“I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.” - Rory O’Keeffe

50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners

“Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.” - Carey Marx

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” - Matt Kirshen

“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.” - Billy Connolly

"I like the Ten Commandments, but there's a problem with the ninth one. It should be: 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox - except in Scrabble." - David O'Doherty

"How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?" - Ross Noble

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.” - Paddy Lennox

"If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?" - Dara O'Briain

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” - Billy Connolly

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” - Sara Pascoe

“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.” - Olaf Falafel

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door." - Jerry Seinfeld

“My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test-tube baby.” - Billy Connolly

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” - Jack Whitehall

"I'm so ugly, my father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet." - Rodney Dangerfield

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'” Tim Vine

"I like the Pope. You know that white thing on his head? If you push that down and twist it, he's full of sweets." - Sean Lock

"My problem with The Grand Canyon is Americans are too proud of it for my liking. The Grand Canyon was like that when they found it! And it's not like it was hard to find." - Ed Byrne

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” - Peter Kay

"Whoever said 'nothing is impossible' obviously hasn't tried nailing jelly to a tree." - John Candy

50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners

“She’s great, my Nan. She used to say things like: ‘here’s five pounds – don’t tell your mother’. I’d say ‘why not?’ She’d say ‘it’s hers’.” - Lee Mack

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'” - Tim Vine

“I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, ‘Are we then yet?'” - Paul F. Taylor

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, oo, aah aah aah.’ The other replied: ‘Well, put some cold in it then.'” - Harry Hill

“Owls haven’t got necks, have they? An owl is essentially a one-piece unit.” - Ross Noble

“If a role requires a haircut, I say I won’t do it. It means I can only play the homeless, and possibly Jesus.” - Russell Brand

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” - Dan Antolpolski

“People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.'” - Bill Bailey

“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.” – Milton Jones

"I went to by a watch and the man said, 'analogue?' I said, 'no thanks, just the watch.'" - Tim Vine

“I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid.” - Ken Dodd

"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something." - Mitch Hedberg

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” - Joel Dommett

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." - Adam Hills

"I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card." - Gary Delaney

ComedyOnline FeaturesQuotes

By Alex Nelson

Monday, 29th July 2019, 14:34 pm

Updated

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