157+ of the best and stupidest quotes and sayings ever! • There are no A list of senseless quotations that are dumb and extremely amusing. Wise Quotes.
146 Funny QuotesBring a smile to your face with these funny quotes - you will find laughter, humor, and a bit of wisdom in these. Our collection includes funny inspirational and motivational quotes said by some famous people and others. We all need humor in life it helps the challenges that we all sometimes face!
You may find some of them to be motivational because they challenge you thinking in a humorous way but also in a motivating way. Find that favorite funny quote and let it be your quote of the day to inspire and motivate you.
Short Funny Quotes
Funny wise quotes and sayings: 'I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.' 186 Likes. Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
Believe it or not, this coming Saturday marks the 62nd birthday of four-fingered, donut-loving, beer-drinking comedy icon Homer Simpson.
In season four episode 'Duffless', The Simpsons' sluggish patriarch was revealed to have been born on May 12, 1956.
Since first appearing on the small screen in 1989, the dim-witted and often irresponsible antics of the family man have entertained millions of viewers the world over.
"I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."
"A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator."
"Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it's what separates us from the animals… except the weasel."
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
"If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"
"Marge, you know it's rude to talk when my mouth is full."
“My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine!”
"Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out."
"Trying is the first step towards failure."
"Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?"
"Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening."
"I wish God were alive to see this."
"Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants."
"We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget – we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, and the pudding cup."
"If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair."
"I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?"
"If God didn't want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin."
"Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don't even get paid for the stuff they do?"
"Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don't think guns are great then we'll argue some more."
"When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!"
"Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves."
"Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"
"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."
"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."
"Even communism works… in theory."
"It’s so simple to be wise… just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it."
"Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs."
"English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England."
“I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”
"You can have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing you will never have… a dinosaur."
"You’re everywhere. You’re omnivorous."
"I never apologize… I’m sorry but that’s the way I am."
"I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich."
"I'll make the money by selling one of my livers… I can get by with one."
"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."
"Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos."
"I like my beer cold… my TV loud… and my homosexuals flaming."
"The problem in the world today is communication… too much communication."
"Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time."
"If I could say a few words… I would be a better public speaker."
"What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway."
"A woman is a lot like a refrigerator: 6 feet tall, 300 pounds… it makes ice."
"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."
"Marge it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed."
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
"Marge, your cooking only has two moves: Shake and Bake."
"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."
"He’s about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don’t trust people in the music business."
"As the Bible says, 'Screw that!'"
"You’ll have to speak up. I’m wearing a towel."
"Stupid family. Won’t even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa’s play! Which had serious pacing problems."
"I hope I didn’t brain my damage."
"What are you guys laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I’ll know you’re lying."
"Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco. The cuts on his hands. Those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god, he did it!"
"I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there’s no god."
"Why don’t those stupid idiots let me in their stupid club for jerks?"
"Oh, look! Pantyhose. Practical and alluring."
"Okay. I’m not going to kill you, but I’m going to tell you three things that will haunt you the rest of your days. You ruined your father. You crippled your family. And baldness is hereditary!"
"Marge, I can’t wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I’m not popular enough to be different."
"A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center."
"I’m really glad you corrected me, Lisa. People are always really glad when they’re corrected."
“'Do not touch Willie'. Good advice."
"You keep disappearing and reappearing and you’re not even funny. You’re just like that show Scrubs!"
"Why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?"
"Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store."
"But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, 'Don’t worry about it. I got this.'"
"I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back."
"Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!"
"Marge, don’t worry. It’s like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did."
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers."
"That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!"
"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around."
"You’re saying butt-kisser like it’s a bad thing!"
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!"
"Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail."
"It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."
"All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."
"I wonder where Bart is, his dinner’s getting all cold, and eaten."
"America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!"
"I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!"
"I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"
"I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
"I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”
"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"
"Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!"
"OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!"
"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."
"Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole world."
"Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them."
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."
"I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t!"
"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."
"Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the, town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! Waaaah!"
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
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Online FeaturesQuotesTelevisionThe Simpsons
By Finlay Greig
Wednesday, 9th May 2018, 11:55 am
Wisdom need not always be verbose. In fact, some of the wisest, most memorable quotes by famous people are pretty darn short, yet they pack a lot of meaning in their punch. Keeping it short works well probably because of K.I.S.S.: "Keep it simple, stupid."
George Bernard Shaw: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
Mother Teresa: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
Lucille Ball: "Love yourself first, and everything else falls into place."
Stephen Colbert: "Dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses."
Oprah Winfrey: "Failure is another stepping-stone to greatness."
Stephen Hawking: "Be curious."
Mother Teresa: "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."
Michelle Obama: "Success isn't about how much money you make. It's about the difference you make in people's lives."
Wayne Gretzky: "You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take."
Gabrielle Giffords: "Be bold, be courageous, be your best."
Madeleine Albright: "Real leadership...comes from realizing that the time has come to move beyond waiting to doing."
Babe Ruth: "Don't let the fear of striking out hold you back."
Seneca: "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."
Anna Quindlen: "Don’t ever confuse the two: your life and your work. The second is only part of the first."
Thomas Jefferson: "He who knows best knows how little he knows."
Dolly Parton: "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
Francis David: "We need not think alike to love alike."
John Quincy Adams: "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader."
Maya Angelou: "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Malcolm X: "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."
Hillary Clinton: "Every moment wasted looking back keeps us from moving forward."
Thomas A. Edison: "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
Katie Couric: "You can't please everyone, and you can't make everyone like you."
Jon Bon Jovi: "Miracles happen every day. Change your perception of what a miracle is and you'll see them all around you."
Eleanor Roosevelt: "Do one thing every day that scares you."
Tina Fey: "There are no mistakes, only opportunities."
Francis Bacon: "A prudent question is one half of wisdom."
Sheryl Sandberg: "If you're offered a seat on a rocket ship, don't ask what seat! Just get on."
Eleanor Roosevelt: "Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Florence Nightingale: "I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse."
Edwin Land: "Creativity is the sudden cessation of stupidity."
Maya Angelou: "You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have."
Mahatma Gandhi: “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching: "When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be."
Rosa Parks: "When one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear."
Henry Ford: "Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right."
Gloria Steinem: "Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning."
Christopher Reeve: "Once you choose hope, anything's possible."
Kate Winslet: "Life is short, and it is here to be lived."
Mahatma Gandhi: “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
Alice Walker: "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any."
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching: "Great acts are made up of small deeds."
Amelia Earhart: "The most difficult thing is the decision to act. The rest is merely tenacity."
Ellen DeGeneres: "Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others."
Walt Disney: "All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them."
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti Quote of The Day; The best way to appreciate your job is to.
Laughter is the best medicine in life, and these funny inspirational quotes and sayings are guaranteed to brighten your day by putting a smile on your face.
No one can ever laugh too much, and these funny quotes will inspire you to smile bigger and laugh harder.
As they say, “laughter is the best form of medicine”.
While the doctor might not prescribe it, the ability to find humor in our situation is key for maintaining of sanity, patience, and peace of mind.
Believing in our future doesn’t have to be scary, and change doesn’t have to be painful.
You are allowed to have fun along the way!
Don’t hesitate to take it easy at times.
Smile at strangers, laugh at yourself, and know that you’re free to start over.
I received a request to post some funny inspirational quotes, so I went for it.
These funny inspirational quotes are pretty tame (around 5 – 10 schools have made me aware that they use my blog as a quote resource), but they will surely make you smile!
On our journey towards personal greatness, it’s important that we laugh at our setbacks, slip-ups, and blunders.
Why? That’s because plenty more are on the way.
To help you stay focused and stay loose, below is our collection of funny inspirational quotes, collected from a variety of sources over the years.
Have fun reading!
1.) “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
2.) “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
3.) “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
4.) “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” – Mark Twain
5.) “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra
6.) “There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
7.) “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
8.) “Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.” – Langston Coleman
9.) “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
10.) “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz
11.) “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
12.) “Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
13.) “When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'” – Sydney Harris
14.) “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
15.) “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost
16.) “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw
17.) “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” – Mark Twain
18.) “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke
19.) “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” – Maureen Dowd
20.) “It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
21.) “The key to success is not through achievement but through enthusiasm.” – Malcolm Forbes
22.) “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz
23.) “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
24.) “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
25.) “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
26.) “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
27.) “When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best – that is inspiration.” – Robert Bresson
28.) “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
29.) “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne
50 of the best and funniest motivational and inspirational quotes that you're ever likely to Do you agree that inspirational quotes are silly, boring and useless?.