English Jokes & Wise Quotes - Funniest jokes, quotes and sayings. The best jokes! Funny images! Funny Cartoons! Kids jokes! Best collection.
Laughter is the best medicine in life, and these funny inspirational quotes and sayings are guaranteed to brighten your day by putting a smile on your face.
No one can ever laugh too much, and these funny quotes will inspire you to smile bigger and laugh harder.
As they say, “laughter is the best form of medicine”.
While the doctor might not prescribe it, the ability to find humor in our situation is key for maintaining of sanity, patience, and peace of mind.
Believing in our future doesn’t have to be scary, and change doesn’t have to be painful.
You are allowed to have fun along the way!
Don’t hesitate to take it easy at times.
Smile at strangers, laugh at yourself, and know that you’re free to start over.
I received a request to post some funny inspirational quotes, so I went for it.
These funny inspirational quotes are pretty tame (around 5 – 10 schools have made me aware that they use my blog as a quote resource), but they will surely make you smile!
On our journey towards personal greatness, it’s important that we laugh at our setbacks, slip-ups, and blunders.
Why? That’s because plenty more are on the way.
To help you stay focused and stay loose, below is our collection of funny inspirational quotes, collected from a variety of sources over the years.
Have fun reading!
1.) “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
2.) “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
3.) “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
4.) “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” – Mark Twain
5.) “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra
6.) “There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
7.) “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
8.) “Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.” – Langston Coleman
9.) “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
10.) “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz
11.) “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
12.) “Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
13.) “When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'” – Sydney Harris
14.) “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
15.) “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost
16.) “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw
17.) “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” – Mark Twain
18.) “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke
19.) “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” – Maureen Dowd
20.) “It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
21.) “The key to success is not through achievement but through enthusiasm.” – Malcolm Forbes
22.) “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz
23.) “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
24.) “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
25.) “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
26.) “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
27.) “When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best – that is inspiration.” – Robert Bresson
28.) “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
29.) “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne
Typography Funny Jokes Lettering One Liner Pithy Quotes Quotes Fun Humor Wise Man Foolish Man Talkative Verbose Tactful Lips Closed Discrete Husband .
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.
Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.
A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit."
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|Humorous Saying – Author|
|A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. – unknown|
| A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.|
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.” – courtesy of Jack Shea, [email protected]
|A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it’s not worth it. – J. Nowell|
|A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. – unknown|
|A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – unknown|
|A closed mouth gathers no feet. – Sam Horn|
|A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. – John Florio (1553-1625)|
|A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. – unknown|
|A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter’d always takes his word. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)|
|A friend in need is a pest. – Arthur Daley in the popular 1980’s British sitcom, “Minder” – thanks to Rob|
|A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. – unknown|
|A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. – Lord Byron (1788-1824)|
|A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. – Rhonda Hansome|
|A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. – Mark Twain|
|A teacher’s job is to take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well grounded. – unknown (submitted by [email protected])|
| A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed|
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle-aged lady upon whom
he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m
sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you
were whistling was “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.” – unknown, courtesy of Jack Shea
|Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. – unknown|
|All the world is mad save for me and thee, and sometimes I wonder about thee. – Old Quaker saying – special thanks to the reader who replied to our query.|
|All would live long but none would be old. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)|
|An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away. – Cassandra Chatfield|
|An old woman in a nursing home lifted her dress and shouted “supersex, supersex!” every time she came upon an old gentleman. Finally she did this again in front of an old man who hesitated and said finally, “I’ll have soup.” – unknown|
|Anyone who doesn’t think there are two sides to an argument is probably in one. – unknown|
|Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)|
|Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away and barefoot. – unknown|
|Being young is a fault that diminishes daily. – Swedish (on youth and age)|
|Blessed is he that can laugh at himself, he will never cease to be amused. – unknown|
|Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be dissapointed. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)|
|Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. – Ogden Nash (1902- )|
|Cheer up! Remember the less you have, the more there is to get. – unknown|
|Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it. – Rene Decartes (1596-1650)|
|Credit cards are like mosquitoes. You can keep them away for a while, but sooner or later they will be back to suck your blood. – Ted Steckley (1949-)|
|Creditors have better memories than debtors. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)|
|Dear God, I have a problem; it’s me. – unknown|
|Defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies. – Canning|
|Do what you think is right in your heart. You’ll be criticized anyway. – Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)|
|Dying while young is a boon in old age. – Yiddish (on death and dying)|
|Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day. – unknown|
|Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. – unknown|
|Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget’s corpse doth lie, she is at rest — and so am I! – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)|
|Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the priviledge. – Shiv Daddar|
|Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else. – Will Rogers (1879-1935)|
|Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. – unknown|
Hilarious Happy Birthday funny wishes, quotes, jokes, images and A wise man once said, “Forget about your past, you cannot change it”.